Showing posts with label Eden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eden. Show all posts

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Gratitude by my father Duane Cardall

Today I am grateful for family. Trials can destroy a family or bring them closer together. Our family is stronger because of what we've been through this past year. My extended family is stronger. I attribute my own success and the success of our extended family to the wisdom and love of my mother and father who've always put us first.

My father, a professional journalist for more than 35 years, was invited to speak at the annual Thanksgiving Interfaith Service in Salt Lake City. I was fortunate to read his speech and loved what he had to say. I thought you would also appreciate his message this holiday season. It's a wonderful perspective into what it means to be grateful.

Thanksgiving Interfaith Service

Federal Heights Chapel

November 26, 2009

by Duane Cardall

Director of Editorials, KSL Broadcasting

Some of you may know that a couple of months ago, my oldest son Paul received a remarkable and life-saving gift. After living 36-years with a very complex congenital heart defect, and at a time when he was failing rapidly after more than a year on the heart transplant waiting list, he received a donated heart.

A lot could be said of that miraculous experience but in the context of our discussion today, one moment stands out in my mind. A couple of weeks into his recovery as we sat in his hospital room I noticed that he was looking at his hands.

“Dad,” he said, “you got any fingernail clippers?”

I didn’t, but I had to ask why.

“My fingernails are growing,” he said.

For 36-years, his nails grew very slowly, presumably for lack of a normal supply of oxygenated blood. His nails were clubbed and only needed trimming every few months. Now, though, after only two weeks with a normal four-chamber heart, his extremities were receiving a normal supply of rich, oxygenated blood and his fingernails, for the first time in his life, were growing straight and relatively rapidly. He needed to trim them.

That is something most of us, I suspect, would never consider. I certainly didn’t until that moment in Paul’s hospital room. Finger nails just grow! They need to be regularly trimmed. It is a fact of daily life and ongoing personal hygiene . . . . Something most of us simply take for granted.

Photo: With My Father a few days ago

It got me thinking. How many things like that in life do we take for granted - things that for one reason or another become so routine that we fail to recognize the wonder of their presence in our lives? And when we fail to acknowledge them, it seems most likely our gratitude for what we have is lacking.

Let’s talk about a few of those things in life we may have a tendency to take for granted, but are deeply consequential, nonetheless, and for which we should be ardently, even constantly grateful, while offering eternal prayers of thanksgiving.

The more thankful we are for little things, or those aspects and elements of our lives that are routinely available, the more complete will be our gratitude for the more identifiable and oft-considered impressive “big” things.

Specifically, let’s talk about the material abundance that surrounds us, the freedom we enjoy in this nation, and the presence of family and loved ones.

Gratitude for Material Abundance

Some years ago I went to a meeting called by the Board of Directors of the Upper Canal Irrigation Company. We own a share of upper canal water and at the time used the water provided to irrigate our garden. I was concerned, as everybody else was that year, about reports that we were not going to be able to get our irrigation water. I recall sitting in the meeting with a couple of hundred semi-irate water users. We were frustrated! We were angry! Summer was heating up, our crops were starting to grow and we didn’t have irrigation water. Never mind that every one of us in that meeting had cold culinary water available to us at the turn of a tap. Never mind that it had only been a couple of weeks since the last rainfall. Never mind that our grocery stores were well-stocked and our gardens were hobbies more than projects born of necessity. We were mad! We wanted our water. We wanted it right then, not later.

As I sat there I thought to myself, “What are you doing, Cardall? After what you’ve been through the last couple of weeks, do you have any right to complain about the lack of irrigation water?”

I had recently returned from a journey to Africa for work on a television documentary about a new humanitarian effort launched by a group of Utahns under the auspices of the Salt Lake Community Services Council to initiate long-term assistance to a group of villages in the nation of Mali.

I hadn’t heard much about Mali prior to that time. It didn’t take me long to learn that Mali is one of the poorest nations on earth. At the time the per capita income was a meager $140 a year and the average person lives only to the age of 39 and where one of every five children dies in infancy, where drought often takes a relentless toll allowing the vast Sahara Desert to advance at an alarming rate.

To visit Mali, I found, was to take a giant step back in time to conditions that are so alien to our perceptions as to defy description. Regardless, let me try to paint a verbal picture of what I remember.

This brings me back to the subject of water. As I sat in that water users meeting that year, images of an incredibly dry landscape popped into my mind. I also recalled scenes around life-sustaining wells that supplied enough of the precious fluid for the people to survive. Let me try to provide an image of what I mean:

It is an image of a woman standing beside a well three or four kilometers from the thatched roof hut she calls a home. By hand she lowers a tiny rubber bucket into a hole 80-90-100 feet down and then with muscles hardened from years of survival labor, she lifts the precious liquid to the surface and pours it into a larger container. Then she lifts the full container to her head and begins the long walk back to her home. Now remember, she is three or four kilometers from her home. She’ll make the journey a couple of times each day just so her family will have enough water to drink and to cook and to survive. Think about it next time you go to the tap to fill a glass, stoop to the sink to wash your face, or turn the knob to start your dishwasher.

Another image:

The woman is back in her village. The heat is stifling and yet there is food to prepare, for her family must eat. She stands at the mortar and pours in a measure of millet, takes the pestle – a long stick about four or five feet long – and with rhythmic precision she begins the tedious process of pounding the grain into edible flour. Tied to her back is a baby and around her feet are a half dozen more. A neighbor will come and together they will pound, and as they pound they sing. This pounding goes on, in between trips to the well, throughout the day. There is no rest for the women of Mali. Theirs is a subsistence level existence, a daily struggle for survival, and with indomitable determination they somehow survive.

Let me give you another image - this one of the men of Mali. There in the field in Sungala Traore and his two young sons, Adama and Daoda. The boys are young, perhaps six and four, though we don’t know for sure. We can’t know their ages because no record was made of their birth. Age is of little concern to the people of Mali just as time is not measured in hours and days but by rainy seasons and by dry seasons. In any case, there is Sungala and his two young sons. Each one of them has an eighteen inch tool called a Daba. It is a short hoe-like tool they use to chop the earth and till the soil. The rainy season, hopefully is approaching, and the fields must be prepared for cultivation. Hour after hour, they bend toward the earth chopping and pounding and gradually making progress. The little one, the three or four year old, works as hard as his brother and father! One wonders if life will ever grant him something more than a continuous quest for food. What a challenging existence for a little child!

The men of Mali are farmers. The Daba is the main farm implement. By hand, using the Daba, they plow, they sow, they weed, they harvest. Year after year, generation after generation, century after century it has been the same in Mali! Think about it next time you open your refrigerator, go to the supermarket, or stop at your favorite restaurant. Let your thoughts turn to the men . . . and the little boys of Mali next time you fire up your lawnmower, your mechanized edger, or your snow blower.

I could go on. My intent is not to make us feel guilty about our abundant lives, but to awaken us to a renewed appreciation for what we have, who we are and where we are. Isn’t it wonderful that later today we’ll sit down to a delicious multi-course meal with all of the trimmings? Isn’t it a blessing that we have plenty of running water, large comfortable homes to shelter us from the elements, beautiful lawns and colorful gardens, automobiles to haul us around, plates and utensils for eating, clothes to wear and shoes to protect our feet and appliances of convenience like stoves, mixers and refrigerators.

You should know that since those early days of the Utah Ouelessebougou Alliance, significant progress has been made in certain areas of Mali. Life in many ways IS improving. Some of you, mostly likely, have donated individually, or through organizations with which you’re associated to the effort to improve life in the villages of Ouelessebougou.

Again, my purpose in offering these images from a journey taken years ago is not to make us feel guilty, but hopefully to stir feelings of appreciation and deep gratitude for what we have. We should never take our privileged circumstances for granted just as I hope and pray our family will never take for granted my son Paul’s growing fingernails.

Gratitude for Freedom

Let’s turn for a few minutes to another aspect of our lives that we sometimes have a tendency to take for granted and yet is absolutely essential to the blessings and overwhelming material abundance that we enjoy in this community, state and nation. I speak of freedom, particularly the kind of political freedom that allows for the blossoming of individual talents and collective excellence.

In August, 1991, Margaret and I were on vacation in Russia. Our itinerary included a cruise down the Volga River from Moscow to Leningrad. It was an invigorating time to take such a journey. Great changes were occurring in the political make up of that part of the world. Institutional communism had essentially collapsed at break-neck speed through the fall of 1989 as a revolutionary wave swept through Eastern Europe. The tearing down of the Berlin Wall symbolized what was happening. That was 20-years ago this month.

On our vacation journey not long after those stunning and momentous, and totally unexpected events, we found ourselves cruising toward Leningrad when we received word that communist hardliners were attempting to take control of the country from Soviet president Mikhail Gorbachev. Needless to say, we worried for our safety. The uncertainty and fluidity of the situation had all of us deeply concerned, yet as events unfolded it became another of those life-enriching experiences for which we will always be grateful.

After a restless night on our cruise ship, and as we approached the dock in Leningrad, what we witnessed allayed some of our concerns. Though the Soviet Union was in turmoil, there on the dock to greet us was a brass band . . . and the song they were playing: “God Bless America.” It seemed they wanted to make us feel welcomed.

After a lot of discussion by those responsible for our tour, it was decided that the situation in Leningrad was stable enough that we could go ahead with our bus tour of the city. 15 or 20 minutes into that tour, the bus Margaret and I were on approached Hermitage Square, where we saw tens of thousands of people gathered for what appeared to be a demonstration. The journalist in me overwhelmed the tourist side of me and armed with a small borrowed camcorder, and much to Margaret’s dismay, I jumped off the bus and proceeded to go to work to document the story of the rebirth of freedom in Russia. I later learned I was the only western journalist in Leningrad at the time. My reporting received widespread attention.

Let me try to paint a verbal image. There on the square where the Bolshevik Revolution was launched in 1917 were tens of thousands of Russians demonstrating in support of the reforms recently implemented by Gorbachev. And they did it in the face of some danger, for lining the streets approaching the square were scores of military transport vehicles filled with armed soldiers awaiting the word to march in and clear the square.

More could be said of what we witnessed at that location, but move with me, if you will, to another of the great public squares in Leningrad – or St. Petersburg as it is now. We had heard that much was also going on in St. Isaac’s Square, so I made my way there to witness something most remarkable. It was as if the good freedom-longing citizens of that magnificent historic city were preparing for war. Each street leading to the square reminded me of the famous barricade scene of Les Miserable, for the citizens had erected crude barricades from whatever they could find – desks, mattresses, and chairs . . . and whatever else they could carry from surrounding buildings. It was their intent, if needed, to stand up to any government troops sent their way, as futile as it would be.

What I will never forget, though, were the small groups of men marching through the square in a form of short-order drill, in traditional military fashion. I walked up to one of the groups with my camera rolling and shouted: “Does anyone speak English?” One man said yes and broke from the ranks to speak with me.

“What are you doing,” I asked.

“We are training and preparing to fight,” he replied.

“But you have no weapons,” I said.

And I’ll always remember the look in his eyes and the fire in his voice as he said pumping his fists, “But I have these and I will fight.”

“What are you fighting for,” I queried.

His reply was forthright and powerful. He said simply, “Freedom.”

It was a stunning, reflective moment. Here were a people who had been oppressed for decades, but who recently had tasted the sweet opportunity of freedom and they didn’t want to lose it. They were willing to put their lives on the line to preserve what they had just begun to experience.

So what does this have to do with us on this Thanksgiving day?

Sometimes as a people, I fear, we become complacent about the freedom we have enjoyed in this nation for the past 233 years. It is another of those aspects of our lives that we tend to take for granted. Of particular concern is the trend toward secularism that engulfs our nation and a growing reticence to acknowledge the Providential and spiritual underpinnings of what the Founders gave us in 1776 and beyond.

I fear the consequences if we get to the point in this nation when we have become so dramatically secularized that a majority of the citizens no longer acknowledge the hand of God in the nation’s establishment, and turn from thanking Him profusely for the freedom and abundance we enjoy.

We must never forget, as George Washington proclaimed in 1789 “to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favor.”

Let that be a part of our prayers of thanksgiving later today.

Gratitude for Family

Let’s turn now to another aspect of our lives that we too often take for granted, and I speak of those who are nearest and dearest to us – our families. I’ll beg your indulgence in allowing me to become a bit personal here. I do it only because Stan Parish suggested that I do.

Our family has had a rather stressful year. In saying that, I realize that most families face a steady stream of challenges in one way or another, and that others have experienced things far more traumatic than us. I empathize with whatever it may be that you and yours are struggling with. At the same time, I firmly believe there are great, powerful and overwhelming blessings that come through the crucible of adversity . . . and the burdens associated with those challenges can be lessened dramatically through acknowledging those many blessings, focusing on their presence in our lives and by regularly offering genuine expressions of gratitude and thanksgiving to God for them.

Of course, it is difficult, if not impossible to say that our son Brian’s tragic death in June was a blessing. The way it happened, the publicity it generated and the grief it caused are anything but blessed. It was especially difficult for his young widow and his two-year-old daughter. But then I think of the blessings that have filled our lives since that sad day, and my soul is overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude for the reality of a loving God who doesn’t desert His children in times of trial.

Photo: Dad holding my brother's baby girl Bella Aspen Cardall

-Without Brian’s death we never would have experienced the overwhelming outpouring of love and support we felt from extended family, neighbors, friends, colleagues and many, many strangers. Through cards, emails, phone calls and visits we learned how broad our circle of loving support is . . . something I never would have expected or anticipated. What a blessing!

-Through Brian’s death our family coalesced and unified in ways that likely never would have occurred otherwise. As a father, I will always be grateful for the tender expressions of love that I observed being shared by his siblings and their children, my grandchildren. What a blessing!

-With his death, I came to realize that I had taken many of my son’s accomplishments for granted. Through heartfelt eulogies, tributes and other less formal expressions, I learned of his extraordinarily keen intellect and the monumental contributions he was making as an innovative scientist toward improving our world. What a blessing to have that knowledge.

Photo: Hitting a bucket of balls a few days ago with my dad

-Through Brian’s death, our family gained renewed understanding that mortality is indeed fleeting, and that we are all part of some “great eternal plan.” It gave us special appreciation for what happened on Calvary and for the promise of life beyond this mortal realm, as evidenced by the empty tomb. What a blessing!

-Most certainly among the blessings we count, is the presence of Brian’s little daughter, born three months after his death. Through her, we have an extension of him, and that is a blessing for which we will be forever grateful.

I want you to know that where God taketh, he also giveth. One of the reasons our expression of gratitude this thanksgiving will be overflowing is because of the miraculous extension of life of our oldest son, Paul. I told you about his fingernails. As we approached his heart transplant in September, and because of the severity and complexity of his congenital heart defect, we were fully prepared for Paul to be in the hospital for a month or two following his surgery. In fact, the medical team suggested we would be fortunate to have him home by Thanksgiving. Yet, he was released from the hospital just two weeks following surgery and his recovery is proceeding at a remarkably accelerated rate. He is hiking and biking and playing vigorously with his four-year-old daughter. The other day he and I went and hit a bucket of golf balls. He’s back at work as a creative musician and recording artist preparing for his “Celebration of Life” concert at Abravanel Hall in February.

May I witness to you in all humility that miracles do occur! They are real and remarkable and resoundingly wonderful.

Never cease to give God thanks for such providential involvement in the affairs of man. Never take for granted the presence of loved ones in our lives, nor the freedoms that abound in our lives, and have a constant, unwavering attitude of gratitude for the material abundance that so dramatically distinguishes our lives from 90-percent of the people living on this earth today.

Consciously “counting our many blessings” as the song says, and expressing gratitude for them can be remarkably therapeutic. The offering of a genuine prayer of thanksgiving tends to take our mind off of our personal woes and allows us to focus more positively on those things in our lives that are uplifting and good and beneficial. Moreover, it puts us in a state of mind to reach out more consistently to others who may be in need of having their burdens lightened.

Photo: My father putting his arm around his grandson Colby Child after his team experienced an upsetting loss in the finals.

In closing, I’ve been thinking of an experience I had some years ago when I traveled to England to document the first foreign journey of President Gordon B. Hinckley after he became President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In the course of that weeklong adventure, we went to a village north of Preston for a brief visit with one of President Hinckley’s former missionary companions. It was delightful to watch those two old friends reminisce about days gone by.

As we were about to leave, Bob Pickles said to Gordon Hinckley, “I don’t know how you do it, all of this travel and activity at your age,” I’ll always remember President Hinckley’s reply. “I’ll tell you what you do Bob. You go to bed each night, but you be sure to get up in the morning.”

“Is that what it is,” said Bob.

“That’s what it is,” replied Gordon.

And may I add, that when you go to bed each night offer up prayers of gratitude for all that you’ve been given . . . and be sure to get up the next morning with an eye to doing good and enjoying the profound and unceasing blessings of a new day.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Building a SnowMan

Eden and me are staying quite busy enjoying the falling snow and another season of our lives. I don’t believe anyone could have thought I’d be home in October building a snowman with my girl. What a miracle.

Photo: Playing in the snow with Eden

Looking back to where our family was last year I read a section from my October 5, 2008 blog entry showing some of the challenges we were faced with. It read:

After a difficult week of being in the hospital to help with my exhaustion my cardiologist pulled some strings to get me home for the weekend. My daughter has been sleeping at my parents home and also at my sister n' laws home. My wife has been working. So, I am happy to be with them for this short weekend. Tomorrow, after church and a nap my wife will work a night shift. I'll be with my daughter at my parents overnight before I go back to the hospital on Monday for several more days of procedures and minor surgery. I will have another Heart Cath and they will put a stent in. They may also change my pacemaker. Then I'll recover for a few days."

Needless to say, life is now back to normal. My wife still works her nursing shift at the newborn intensive care and I am thankfully able to attend to Eden.

Life could not be better!

Whether I am walking in the morning or riding my brother's bike in the afternoon I am exercising each day.

Most people don't realize a transplanted heart has no connection to the brain. It works independently. I'm amazed.

There are a few minor challenges in adapting to a new organ. I believe I have one of the best organs a recipient could receive because of how my body is responding to exercise. I didn't know this type of energy existed.

The following is a deeper explanation of how my new heart functions.

Photo: Last year at this time with Eden in the hospital trying to get my body stable to endure the waiting process

How your new heart responds to exercise

Healthwise

http://www.revolutionhealth.com

During your transplant surgery, some of the nerves that help control the function of your heart are cut, which results in your heart being slower to respond to exercise. In a normal heart, an increase of cardiac output (the total amount of blood that leaves the heart) is a result of an increase in heart rate as well as stroke volume (amount of blood leaving the heart per beat).

In a transplanted heart, however, this increase in heart rate is delayed, and instead your stroke volume provides the amount of blood that your body needs. Your heart rate will increase if you exercise hard, but only after your stroke volume can no longer provide enough blood to your body.

This is important to know, because it means that your heart rate will not increase when you exercise the way it used to with your old heart. Also, your new heart will have a higher heart rate when you are resting (about 95 to 115 beats per minute bpm]), as well as a lower maximum heart rate when you are exercising (about 150 bpm).

Therefore, measuring your heart rate is not a good way to measure how hard you are exercising. Instead, you may need to monitor other signs such as blood pressure, rate of perceived exertion (RPE), and shortness of breath while you are exercising

Your heart rate may be highest right after you finish exercising and will remain high. You will also need to give your new heart longer to cool down afterward.

Due to this delayed heart rate response to exercise and the smaller-than-normal stroke volume, your overall exercise cardiac output may be lower than that of the average person. This means that you may achieve a lower overall cardiovascular fitness level than if you had an original healthy heart.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Fitted For A Better World

Today, I walked for 30 minutes; nearly tube free with the exception of my chest tubes draining fluid, and without oxygen, from my room at Primary Children’s Medical Center over the long hallway to the University of Utah Medical Center. And although I have to gown up and wear a mask and gloves to protect myself from infection I have never felt so alive!

(Right Photo - Taking my first walk to a window where I can see Mount Olympus which I plan to climb June 9, 2010 to overlook the beautiful Salt Lake Valley.)

I should be home soon. But, I’ll be back every other day for the usual poking and prodding, biopsies, and rehab typical of a post-transplant life.

Eventually, I’ll have a stabilized drug regimen and be on my way to a most normal life with a new transplanted organ.

And what to do now?

(Photo Left - Chief of Cardiothoracic Surgery, Primary Children’s Medical Center Aditya K. “AK” Kaza, M.D. showing my family my old 5lb heart.)

Over the next couple of weeks I plan to wrap up this blog for a season in order to focus all my time and attention on my wife and little girl. I think I’ll have Eden take me shopping for a bicycle. I’m sure she’ll have a good idea. Maybe she’ll buy me some tap shoes since she is also taking a dance class.

This blog, Living for Eden, will remain online and available as a resource for the folks googling medical information and looking for personal help. Those of you interested in continuing to follow my situation I suggest visiting my music career website and signing up on my mailing list. I will let people know how I am doing until I choose to blog further. Click Here to sign up.

(Photo Right - My kind and wonderful P.I.C.U. nurse removing IVs from my jugular vein.)

The road has been long and difficult. We have experienced the roller coaster of emotions. There have been deep discussions in the darkest hours of evenings concerning the “what if?” How would my family live without a father and husband. Such questions are sobering. Many tears have flowed.

We’ve spent countless hours on our knees seeking help. And the help came through the arms of those who love people and love God. I have learned a great deal about the character of my community. There is more virtue and good in the world than evil. People quietly go about doing good and I’m moved to follow in their footsteps.

(Photo Right - PCMC Director, Adult Congenital Cardiac Program Angela T. Yetman interacting with my family in the surgical waiting room.)

I’ve shared insights and probably preached principles I hope have helped your life. I know, not alone, but by so many others, that you cannot learn joy in this world without experiencing the challenges of life. Through our suffering we gain important virtues; wisdom, compassion, love, charity, hope, faith, sacrifice, and many more.

"We have a Father in Heaven who loves us specifically and gives us things to do and, because he loves us, will cause us, at times, to have our souls stretched and to be fitted for a better world by coping with life in this world,” said Neal A. Maxwell.

This experience has transformed and empowered me. I would not trade this past year for all the wealth or power in the world. But, of course, if I had all that I would have the ability to shout from the rooftops three eternal laws from the New Testament which most people can agree with; Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself.

And finally, there is a powerful statement in the book of Ephesians, which is a standard I hope to live by, which states, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

(Photo Right - Talking on the phone with my friend and former adult congenital cardiologist Michael Adjei-Poku.)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

A Father's Love in a Dark Hour

Last night, as I lay awake in a dark hospital room, which has become my home, I remembered the many nights I would lie next to my daughter in her room as she drifted off to sleep.

As a toddler Eden didn’t like being alone at night and was afraid of having the lights off. Together, we read books and said prayers. I would turn out the light and continue lying in the room next to her. Slowly she would fade off peacefully knowing her dad was nearby.

There is a beautiful analogy with such a precious memory. For in my own darkest hours I know we have a kind and loving Father in Heaven close by and I’m not afraid. He’s there to help each of us feel calm so we might peacefully endure the dark periods.

(Photo: Giving a hug to my daughter Eden before she left me alone at the hospital)

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Family Reunion

Our family enjoyed a reunion in Park City, Utah. As expected the gathering was not the same without the presence of my younger brother Brian who passed away last June. His beautiful pregnant wife Anna and spirited daughter Ava joined us and we mobbed them with love.

With all that has transpired in our lives, our Cardall family was still able to gather in humility, love, friendship. We also had a lot of laughter.

After the reunion our family went to the Salt Lake City to set a temporary headstone on Brian’s grave. I say temporary because the city requires the ground to settle before the grave receives a permanent tombstone.

My younger brother David and Dad built a cement base. As the cement settled, Brian's wife Anna had Ava did a hand and foot print in the cement along with the words inscribed “I Love You Daddy.”

I wish people had what I've been fortunate to enjoy. Along with the overwhelming love I feel from my gorgeous wife Lynnette and sweet daughter Eden, my parents are still together and they love each other.

"In a world of turmoil and uncertainty, it is more important than ever to make our families the center of our lives and the top of our priorities," said L. Tom Perry

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I Love My Wife

Today I want to express my love for my family, friends, sweet daughter Eden, and most importantly my wife Lynnette. What I have learned of romantic love and the beauty of marriage I have learned from her. When I speak of hope for a bright future she is the sun rising from the darkness bringing warmth that moves through me.

We have a pure love that no one can take from us. It's a bond, a friendship, that defies this world. Our love is bound by our commitment to each other. I pray daily I may live worthy of her love and give her the respect every woman deserves no matter what comes our way.

"Pure love is its kindness, its selfless quality, its lack of ego and vanity and consuming self-centeredness," according to Jefferey R. Holland. My wife has all of these qualities. He continues, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind, [charity] envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own.”

Again, thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, faith, fasting, or how-ever you choose to worship on our behalf. God is my friend and though life is a wild ride and difficult at times it is also incredibly satisfying. I would do it all over again!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

My State of Mind is to Follow Good Counsel

Photos: Top - With Eden in the Salt Lake City Cemetary briefly without Oxygen, Bottom - My brother Brian with his daughter Ava Skye

Eden asked me the other day if I was “Blumpoe The Grumpo?” in reference to one of her bedtime stories. My roller coaster of emotions is challenging to deal with at home when it’s just the three of us. I do my best to control my frustrations as to try and not impose my own suffering upon others. I count my blessings. But, when my 3 year old notices a problem it breaks my heart.

The truth is I’m tired. It’s been a tough month! Having poor health, waiting for a heart transplant, experiencing a disturbing death in the family with my brother Brian passing, watching my daughter grow up too quickly before my eyes, and the burden my caring wife is undertaking, sobers my soul. In addition, I know folks suffering in their own set of circumstances. I ache to get well and give back to everyone who has selflessly cared for my family and me as well as reach those who need help.

It is in the quiet hours of my personal darkness that I continue to call out to God, our Heavenly Father, to help sustain me. He has never failed me. I have only failed Him because of my own inadequacies and weakness. Amidst my circumstantial frustrations I look to the future with hope! I see the Sun rising from the east bringing new life and a sense of purpose! I’m excited and determined to fight! Give me freedom! Give me life!

Yesterday I was reading Michele Gledhill’s heartfelt blog for her deceased little angel Gracie. I was inspired and uplifted by a quote she put there by my spiritual leader, Thomas S. Monson. He said, "Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end—no dawn to break the night's darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea 'Is there no balm in Gilead?' (Jeremiah 8:22). We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, and alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you! He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.”

In addition, as I continue to contemplate the life of my brother Brian, I have found great joy and satisfaction in the precious opportunity of reading his journal. His soul and his words inspire me and I see life through a new lens. At an early age, while working as a missionary in Spain, he began compiling a journal full of his thoughts. It contains a list of nearly 100 goals and quotes that became personal mottoes. He wrote he didn’t want “a day by day summary of the routine they call life, but a record of the highlights… It could be that I die tomorrow, and these pages (journal) go left blank. Or it could be that I live to be 100 and slip into my eternal rest with a treasure of satisfied ambitions. That isn’t for me to decide. But it is for me to decide how I use the precious time that I have been granted.” He continued, “I’ve always believed that life is not just meant to spend time existing, but to spend it living. Dreams are the very sustenance of life. And as dreams are achieved, life’s purpose is achieved, and life is truly lived.”

I have chosen to follow the counsel of Thomas Monson and my brother Brian. Therein, I am confident any one of us can find peace, strength, and hope for a better tomorrow beginning by living today. In fact, here a few inspiring quotes Brian wrote in his journal that I am also adopting as my personal mottoes.

“Yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow, is only a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.” -Unknown

“Happiness is a state of activity.” -Aristotle

“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.” –Helen Keller

“Experience is not what happens to a man, it’s what a man does with what happens to him.” –Auldous Huxley

“God left the world unfinished; the pictures unpainted, the songs unsung, and the problems unsolved, that man might know the joys of creation.” –Thomas S. Monson

“Simplify. Simplify.” –Henry David Thoreau

One of Brian's many gifts was making short films. He used to package these up and give them to his wife. Here is one he made for her. The film briefly chronicles their honeymoon to Peru. Together they supplied a "CHOICE" school with educational materials for some children. Later they climbed Mount Kilimanjaro which was one of the many things on Brian's list of goals.

As I climb my own mountain I know there will be many helping me carefully ascend to the top and slowly ascend renewed or born again with life.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

My Apology & Our Rocking Chairs

Please forgive me for not responding to your considerate comments, kind expressions, and wonderful messages. I have read each one with great appreciation and sincere humility.

The past month has been a bittersweet experience. My brother’s death knocked the wind right out of me. Because of that I’ve chosen to focus more intently on my family and their needs. I love and admire every one of you. Thank you for your friendship.

In lieu of our situation I said to my wife, “Go out and by our rocking chairs. I don’t want to wait to grow old with you. I would love to sit with you on the porch today!”

Lynnette brought home two beautiful chairs. The only problem is that we need a third chair for Eden. My sweet little girl is jealous and wants her own chair. She cracks me up. And so, tomorrow we’ll start looking for a third chair. The store evidently sold us the last two black rocking chairs. I'm sure we can find a pink one for our little diva.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Highest Peak of Our Lives

Utah weather is wacky. One day it is cool with rain and the next day dry and a hot 95 degrees. Even though I’m outside as much as I can, I feel a peaceful storm coming where I will get a transplant and experience a challenging recovery. I could get a phone call from my doctor at any moment saying, "Paul, we have a heart for you."

I have confidence in my surgeon’s ability to pull it off. I don’t doubt that. But, I fear the recovery. Will I be claustrophobic? I have felt uncomfortable in the past for simple procedures. Will I go crazy or feel extremely restless? I've experienced some of those feelings before in the hospital and this is my greatest fear. I'm not afraid of the surgery and the physical pain as much as the fear of having no control over my mind and body. I’m sure these questions and emotions are natural. Despite these insecurities, I am at peace knowing that the entire team is prepared.

I am also preparing my mind and soul. My daughter, wife, and whole family is on my mind. And now with the sudden death of my dear sweet friend and brother Brian I want to fight that much more. I want to live for these people who I love.

But, my brother Brian inspires me. He climbed the face of mountains and accomplished many great things. As my wife and I climb one of the grandest peaks of our lives I’m ready and comforted because I know he’ll be close by. Others won’t see, feel, or notice him. But, I know he’ll be there along with so many others pulling me up that steep mountain of recovery.

In the meantime, we’ve been spending more time together as a family doing a few fun things. I have some renewed energy, which I attribute to everyone’s prayers and good medicine. In fact, last night we ran for Ice Cream at Baskin' Robbins. My girl Eden always orders the clown, bites off all the decorations, and then offers to trade deserts with my wife. Eden will eat most of Lynnette’s ice cream and then want to swap back leaving her mother an empty cone. We laugh. Eden is a character.

My sweet girl has been asking about Brian. We went to the cemetery and she wanted to see what she terms his body as the “pretend” Brian. We told her that he’s not there and has gone to be with Jesus. Trying to explain death to a toddler is quite difficult. It was helpful that the day before Brian’s death Eden and I walked outside to find a dead robin. I said, “Look, it’s not moving.” She asked why? “Because he’s died. The life inside of him went to be with Jesus leaving his body behind.” I got a shovel and we dug a little hole in a section of our garden. I put the bird in the ground and we covered him with the earth. She said, “I want to see it again.” I said we couldn’t, at least not now, but possibly someday. I didn’t realize the profound impact of all of this dying talk until a couple evenings later. It was after Brian’s funeral, while Lynnette was working, Eden slept next to me. With some sadness and frustration on her face she said, “Dad, I don’t want you to go with Jesus.” I told her I would do my best but if I had to go be with Jesus, Brian and the bird would take good care me. She understood.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Celebrate Motherhood

On this special day where we celebrate motherhood I want to express my love and appreciation to my beautiful wife Lynnette, the mother of my gorgeous child Eden, who chose a life with me knowing I might not grow old and she may be alone for a season.

I love you! Let’s do it all over again.

Also, to my own mother Margaret who selflessly cared for me and my 7 other siblings, she was there by my hospital bedside every day and has continued to lift me up with great hope.

Where do I get my optimism? From my mother and her mother, my angel Grandma Layton, who also raised an army of good people who lift the world and make life a better experience for others.

I miss my patriarchal Grandma Joy whose life was extraordinary and raised a great man in my father whose faith is solid.

And to my mother in law Ardith who passed away of cancer when my wife was 8 years old leaving behind 10 children and a humble schoolteacher husband. Ardith had cancer for 5 years beginning when Lynnette was only 3 (the age of our daughter Eden). I look forward to the day when Ardith and I become great friends. Son in laws should always catch up with the mother.

Abraham Lincoln perfectly spoke what I feel, “All that I am and ever hope to be I owe to my angel mother.”

(Picture: Top - Kathryn Turly took this beautiful picture of Lynnette with Eden when our girl was a couple weeks old, Bottom - With my mother in 1973 after my POTTS shunt CHD surgery)

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Deseret News | Savoring every day

Young family anxiously awaits heart transplant
By Carrie A. Moore (Published: Saturday, April 4, 2009)

Photo by Jeffery D. Allred

As a student nurse, Lynette Cardall knew enough about severe health problems to realize the gravity of her decision to marry a man with congenital heart disease.

Her father, left a widower when Lynnette was only 8 years old, had often told her "the hardest thing I ever did was lose your mom." So when she told him she wanted to marry Paul Cardall — knowing her fiance's chances of dying young — her father reminded her of his own difficult life experience.

"Just make sure you think about the decision," he counseled.

Click Here to Read the Article (DeseretNews.Com)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Week 3 - On the List - And some thoughts

I am in my third week waiting for a heart. It could be up to a year so I don't have any anxieties. Both my wife and I continue to feel the comfort and peace we had hoped for in this process.

We've been fortunate not to have Lynnette working for the past 16 months because we've enjoyed the benefits of COBRA insurance. She loves being a stay at home mom and I love having her around. Eden and I are sad to see her going back to work so we have good medical coverage for what lies ahead. Lynnette works in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit at the new Inter-mountain Medical Center. I know that if I had a child in the N.I.C.U. I couldn't ask for a better, kinder, more beautiful nurse. She is very good at what she does. And I admire her abilities. It is a difficult job.

We have an incredible family who is going to help us out when Lynnette works. My daughter, with all of her beautiful energy of life, can be tiring and ware you down. But, I think every parent understands this whether you're in heart failure or not. So I look forward to spending a lot of time with Eden before I get the call.

In regards to waiting for a heart and experiencing the symptoms of heart failure, I've known challenges like these throughout my life and I believe it is because of our faith in a loving and understanding God that my family always seems to grow closer together during these difficult times.

You can't know the sweetness in life without tasting the bitterness of life. There is no reason to blame God for what we are subject to. I believe we chose to experience earthly life as part of a three act play in the eternal nature of things. We are in the second act. God knows what's ahead for us in the third and final act. Like any loving parent, he loves seeing us grow and mature from the choices we make. But above all, at times we make poor choices or are hurt by the choices of others, and like the child who falls from a bike and cries for their mother and father, there is a loving Savior who is there to wipe away our tears and heal our wounds.