Looking to Jesus for Understanding

Last weekend my cousin’s wife Julie, a mother of twin boys who has suffered from cystic fibrosis her entire life and who was told by doctors months ago she needed a double-lung transplant if her life would continue, was informed her transplant team had found a donor match.

Photo: Visiting Julie & David Hendrickson

Julie was coincidentally celebrating her birthday with friends during dinner when she received a phone call informing her of the good news. She only had only a couple of hours to get to the hospital.Later that evening, surgeons successfully removed her damaged lungs and replaced them with donor organs, thus granting her renewed life and an opportunity to raise her sons for a season.

Meanwhile, a few days ago, in a quiet and peaceful basement apartment, I visited my close friend Holly who receives hospice care; having been denied the opportunity to receive a donor heart because of complications associated with her other organs.

Photo: Visiting with Quintin & Holly

She and her husband are in a standstill knowing it won’t be long before they are separated physically from each other for a season.

From my personal perspective, it is because of our deep love and connection to family and friends that we don’t want to say goodbye. It is too painful. I’ve known strong men whose intense grief has caused them to lie in bed in the fetal position because of the anguish. Losing a loved one makes a person feel amputated.

While some witness a renewal of life, others see a loved one slowly slip away to the next stage of existence. I often wonder why everyone can’t be healed. Where is their miracle? When I begin to get frustrated and angry because of such thoughts, I direct my mind to the very purpose of our time here on earth as defined by my faith in Jesus Christ. I believe one of the greatest gifts we have received from our Creator is time. It’s our inheritance. What we do with time affects generations.

I should warn you that I'm going to get deeper into this subject. Now's the time to visit another blog if you don't like religion.

I find comfort in knowing there is an omniscient loving Father in Heaven who is keenly aware of each of us and our personal trials and will not allow his children to die before their appointed time. God, after all, is omniscient. This means He knows everything.

My hero, Neal A. Maxwell wrote, "God knows even now what the future holds for each of us. In one of his revelations these startling words appear, as with so many revelations that are too big, I suppose, for us to manage fully: "In the presence of God, . . . all things . . . are manifest, past, present, and future, and are continually before the Lord" (D&C 130:7). The future "you" is before him now. He knows what it is he wishes to bring to pass in your life. He knows the kind of remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve. Now, this will require us to believe in that divine design and at times to accept the truth that his suffering would be "but a small moment" (D&C 121:7).

Job, who suffered beyond comprehension recorded in the Bible “For I know that thou will bring me to death, and to the house appointed for all living.” He’s talking about going from this life to another. He’s talking about an appointed death. Do we really have an appointment with death? As the prophet Alma said, “It was appointed unto men that they must die. “ (Alma 12:27)

The ironies of life began in the Garden of Eden where our first parents were given a choice. The prophet Moses taught that in the beginning, God, our mysterious Father in Heaven, told our first parents Adam and Eve, to multiply and replenish the earth. However, he also told them not to partake of the forbidden fruit placed in the middle of the Garden of Eden, “For in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.” (Genesis 2:17)

Why would God ask them to do two things that completely contradict each other? It is my personal opinion that Eve chose to partake of the fruit and encouraged her husband to do the same because she loved the Lord Jesus Christ who the devil impersonated in the garden as a serpent and offered her the forbidden fruit.

(In scripture, the serpent is both a symbol of God and the Devil. In the allegory of the Garden of Eden the serpent symbolizes Christ. Remember, Moses used the symbol of a brass serpent to represent God as he brought the Israelites out of Egypt. Those who looked to the serpent were saved in the wilderness.)

Artwork: Moses with the brazen serpent on the Tau or T-cross

In Eve's innocence she was deceived because she would do anything God asked her to do. I also believe Eve came to understand that Heavenly Father was introducing the powerful principle of choice and agency to mankind.

I believe there are those in life who choose to act, and those to wait to be acted upon. Adam and Eve acted and brought forth children to enjoy all of the blessings of a natural world. However, because they partook of the forbidden fruit they became mortal and inherited the power to die. All of their posterity, including you and me, has that same power. Its part of a much larger plan of our Heavenly Father to give us bodies, allow us an opportunity to learn and grow from living in this natural world, and bring us back into His presence. "And thus we see, that there was a time granted unto man to repent, yea, a probationary time, a time to repent and served God." (Alma 42: 4)

“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25)

“Behold he created Adam, and by Adam came the fall of man. And because of the fall of man came Jesus Christ, even the Father and the Son; and because of Jesus Christ came the redemption of man. And because of the redemption of man, which came by Jesus Christ, they are brought back into the presence of the Lord; yea, this is wherein all men are redeemed, because of the death of Christ bringeth to pass the resurrection, which bringeth to pass a redemption from an endless sleep, from which sleep all men shall be awakened by the power of God when the trump shall sound; and they shall come forth, both small and great, and all shall stand before his bar, being redeemed and loosed from this eternal band of death, which death is temporal death.” (Mormon 9:13)

"Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life. And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise a state of rest, a state of peace where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow." (Alma 40:11-12)

“And when ye have lifted up the Son of Man, then shall ye know that I am he, and that I do nothing of myself; but as my Father have taught me, I speak these things. And he that sent me is with me; the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him.” (John 8:28-29)

"Behold, he bringeth to pass the resurrection of the dead. Behold, there is a time appointed that all shall come forth from the dead. Now when this time cometh no one knows; but God knoweth the time which is appointed." (Alma 40:3-4)

Once again, I realize this is heavy doctrine, but I firmly believe with every irony in life one can look to the teachings of Jesus for answers. In His teachings, I have found great comfort and understanding about the role of suffering in God’s eternal plan.

Read Dave & Julie's blog http://www.lungsforjulie.com

2009 | Looking Back

A month or two after I was listed for a heart transplant on August 20, 2008 my parents, brothers and sisters along with their spouses, a few of which were in town from Dallas and Las Vegas, gathered in my grandparent’s home to discuss the transplant list and the serious nature of my heart failure. We had a family prayer and then my Dad said something to the effect, “We are going to have a rather tough year ahead of us, but I feel Paul is going to make it.”

After we discussed several other issues, my father and brothers gathered around me and blessed me according to the traditions of my Mormon faith. Led by my father and the faith of my sisters in the room, my brothers gave me what we call a priesthood blessing. As part of the experience I was told I would feel God’s love through the ordeal and be blessed with strength to endure the challenges ahead. In addition, my father was impressed to say I would get well.

As 2009 draws to a close, looking back who would have thought that two of the men in that room would have passed away leaving me with a miraculous recovery and a second chance at life?

Within seven months, my younger brother Brian was tragically killed in a taser incident the details of which are confusing, ridiculous, and painful. This was a sad and unfortunate event that obviously could have been prevented. I continue to wrestle with the nature of his death.

Here I was waiting for a new heart, which requires someone to die, my whole family praying for my survival, and another member of our family dies.

Could life be anymore ironic? Where could I find understanding and peace? How can any of us find answers to life’s most challenging moments with such tragedy?

Devastated and heartbroken our family understood the sacrifice, heartache and pain my donor’s family would feel losing their son, brother, father, and friend.

Later, my grandfather Layton, who joined us in that room with Brian more than a year ago, quietly slipped to the other side on a Sunday evening in November. This was a much more welcomed occasion because he had enjoyed a full life and raised a large posterity of more than 100 people loyal to one another.

For me, with the passing of these great men, including my donor, I found strength in prayer, attending Church to be with others who also love God, reading inspiring books, and overall, listening intently to music. The right type of music always opens a conduit to heaven for me.

I was particularly inspired by fellow musician Steven Curtis Chapman, who released an album inspired by his struggle to deal with the death of his own daughter. His son backed the car out of the driveway accidentally injuring the little girl who later was pronounced dead at the hospital.

As Chapman struggled to find hope and understanding from a kind and merciful God he'd proclaim to believe in his entire life, he humbly wrote the words:

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left
behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

Photo: Taking my daughter Eden snowmobiling. Just one of the many amazing things I can do with my hear transplant

Truly, this has been a year of life and death, joy and sadness, miracles and tragedy. I have been grieving not only my brother and grandfather, but I am grieving my donor. Nonetheless, I do believe out of these ashes beauty will rise!

As I’ve taken this journey I’ve come to know other people suffering from congenital heart defects and terminal diseases. I’ve attended too many funerals. Each one has been extremely special, important, as has reaffirmed to me the reality of God and life after death. To say this life is all there is, for me, is madness. No matter what science proves science belongs to God. It is His tool to save mankind and redeem them from a fallen state to a state of eternal happiness.

I am grateful for life. We have no idea when it will be over. We don’t know our time to leave this beautiful world unless we have a terminal diagnosis. As one who was faced with death in 2009, and somehow by the grace of God has been given a new lease on life, I can’t tell you how thankful I am for those of you who prayed selflessly for our family this past year. Truly, 2009 has been one to remember. Our souls have been stretched and our relationship to the Creator has been strengthened.

Photo: My daughter Eden with my brother Brian's daughter Ava

Here’s to 2010, may there be less trials and tribulations and more laughter, silly behavior, and fun memories.

And on a serious note, when your depressed or your heart is aching remember these words from Steven Curtis Chapman which helped me through 2009.

When you think you've hit the bottom
and the bottom gives way
and you fall into a darkness
no words can explain
and you don't know how you make it out alive
Jesus will meet you there.

When the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
we don't know what else to do."
and you're looking at your family
wondering how they'll make it through...
Whatever road this life takes you down,
Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way cuz he's already been
where you're going
Jesus will meet you there.

Photo: Having a great time at Fratelli Ristorante in Sandy, Utah for our family Christmas dinner.

A Great Song for a few Rough Days

My brother Brian's death is back in the news. You can imagine it's hard to continually re-live circumstances surrounding Brian's death when it's on the front page of most newspapers.

I admire my parents and my sister in law for their righteousness and spirit. Their heart is in the right place. We've grown closer together this past year. We've experienced God's miracles and the heart-ache of loss.

I believe we have a small glimpse of what my donor family must be experiencing. What comforts me is that I know their loved one's heart is still beating in a good man who'll never do anything to dishonor the gift of life.

With these thoughts and feelings I want to share with you the words of Steven Curtis Chapman who wrote about his own struggle in dealing with his daughter's tragic and untimely death. I believe his words with all my heart.

Jesus Will Meet You There
by Steven Curtis Chapman

LISTEN TO THE SONG

When you think you’ve hit the bottom
And the bottom gives way
And you fall into a darkness
No words can explain
You don’t know how you’ll make it out alive
Jesus will meet you there

And when the doctor says “ I’m sorry, we don’t know what else to do”
And you’re looking at your family
Wondering how they’ll make it through
Whatever road this life takes you down
Jesus will meet you there

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way cause He’s already been where you’re going
Jesus will meet you there

When the jury says “guilty”
And the prison doors close
The one you love says nothing
But just packs up and goes
The sunlight comes and your world’s still dark
Jesus will meet you there

When you failed again
And all the second chances have been used
And the heavy weight of guilt and shame
Is crushing down on you
And all you have us one last cry for help
Jesus will meet you there

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way cause He’s already been where you’re going

When you realize the dreams you’ve had
For your child won’t come true
And when the phone rings
In the middle of the night with tragic news
Whatever valley you must walk through
Jesus will meet you there
He will meet you there
Jesus will meet you there

www.stevencurtischapman.com

My State of Mind is to Follow Good Counsel

Photos: Top - With Eden in the Salt Lake City Cemetary briefly without Oxygen, Bottom - My brother Brian with his daughter Ava Skye

Eden asked me the other day if I was “Blumpoe The Grumpo?” in reference to one of her bedtime stories. My roller coaster of emotions is challenging to deal with at home when it’s just the three of us. I do my best to control my frustrations as to try and not impose my own suffering upon others. I count my blessings. But, when my 3 year old notices a problem it breaks my heart.

The truth is I’m tired. It’s been a tough month! Having poor health, waiting for a heart transplant, experiencing a disturbing death in the family with my brother Brian passing, watching my daughter grow up too quickly before my eyes, and the burden my caring wife is undertaking, sobers my soul. In addition, I know folks suffering in their own set of circumstances. I ache to get well and give back to everyone who has selflessly cared for my family and me as well as reach those who need help.

It is in the quiet hours of my personal darkness that I continue to call out to God, our Heavenly Father, to help sustain me. He has never failed me. I have only failed Him because of my own inadequacies and weakness. Amidst my circumstantial frustrations I look to the future with hope! I see the Sun rising from the east bringing new life and a sense of purpose! I’m excited and determined to fight! Give me freedom! Give me life!

Yesterday I was reading Michele Gledhill’s heartfelt blog for her deceased little angel Gracie. I was inspired and uplifted by a quote she put there by my spiritual leader, Thomas S. Monson. He said, "Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end—no dawn to break the night's darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea 'Is there no balm in Gilead?' (Jeremiah 8:22). We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, and alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you! He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.”

In addition, as I continue to contemplate the life of my brother Brian, I have found great joy and satisfaction in the precious opportunity of reading his journal. His soul and his words inspire me and I see life through a new lens. At an early age, while working as a missionary in Spain, he began compiling a journal full of his thoughts. It contains a list of nearly 100 goals and quotes that became personal mottoes. He wrote he didn’t want “a day by day summary of the routine they call life, but a record of the highlights… It could be that I die tomorrow, and these pages (journal) go left blank. Or it could be that I live to be 100 and slip into my eternal rest with a treasure of satisfied ambitions. That isn’t for me to decide. But it is for me to decide how I use the precious time that I have been granted.” He continued, “I’ve always believed that life is not just meant to spend time existing, but to spend it living. Dreams are the very sustenance of life. And as dreams are achieved, life’s purpose is achieved, and life is truly lived.”

I have chosen to follow the counsel of Thomas Monson and my brother Brian. Therein, I am confident any one of us can find peace, strength, and hope for a better tomorrow beginning by living today. In fact, here a few inspiring quotes Brian wrote in his journal that I am also adopting as my personal mottoes.

“Yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow, is only a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.” -Unknown

“Happiness is a state of activity.” -Aristotle

“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.” –Helen Keller

“Experience is not what happens to a man, it’s what a man does with what happens to him.” –Auldous Huxley

“God left the world unfinished; the pictures unpainted, the songs unsung, and the problems unsolved, that man might know the joys of creation.” –Thomas S. Monson

“Simplify. Simplify.” –Henry David Thoreau

One of Brian's many gifts was making short films. He used to package these up and give them to his wife. Here is one he made for her. The film briefly chronicles their honeymoon to Peru. Together they supplied a "CHOICE" school with educational materials for some children. Later they climbed Mount Kilimanjaro which was one of the many things on Brian's list of goals.

As I climb my own mountain I know there will be many helping me carefully ascend to the top and slowly ascend renewed or born again with life.

The Highest Peak of Our Lives

Utah weather is wacky. One day it is cool with rain and the next day dry and a hot 95 degrees. Even though I’m outside as much as I can, I feel a peaceful storm coming where I will get a transplant and experience a challenging recovery. I could get a phone call from my doctor at any moment saying, "Paul, we have a heart for you."

I have confidence in my surgeon’s ability to pull it off. I don’t doubt that. But, I fear the recovery. Will I be claustrophobic? I have felt uncomfortable in the past for simple procedures. Will I go crazy or feel extremely restless? I've experienced some of those feelings before in the hospital and this is my greatest fear. I'm not afraid of the surgery and the physical pain as much as the fear of having no control over my mind and body. I’m sure these questions and emotions are natural. Despite these insecurities, I am at peace knowing that the entire team is prepared.

I am also preparing my mind and soul. My daughter, wife, and whole family is on my mind. And now with the sudden death of my dear sweet friend and brother Brian I want to fight that much more. I want to live for these people who I love.

But, my brother Brian inspires me. He climbed the face of mountains and accomplished many great things. As my wife and I climb one of the grandest peaks of our lives I’m ready and comforted because I know he’ll be close by. Others won’t see, feel, or notice him. But, I know he’ll be there along with so many others pulling me up that steep mountain of recovery.

In the meantime, we’ve been spending more time together as a family doing a few fun things. I have some renewed energy, which I attribute to everyone’s prayers and good medicine. In fact, last night we ran for Ice Cream at Baskin' Robbins. My girl Eden always orders the clown, bites off all the decorations, and then offers to trade deserts with my wife. Eden will eat most of Lynnette’s ice cream and then want to swap back leaving her mother an empty cone. We laugh. Eden is a character.

My sweet girl has been asking about Brian. We went to the cemetery and she wanted to see what she terms his body as the “pretend” Brian. We told her that he’s not there and has gone to be with Jesus. Trying to explain death to a toddler is quite difficult. It was helpful that the day before Brian’s death Eden and I walked outside to find a dead robin. I said, “Look, it’s not moving.” She asked why? “Because he’s died. The life inside of him went to be with Jesus leaving his body behind.” I got a shovel and we dug a little hole in a section of our garden. I put the bird in the ground and we covered him with the earth. She said, “I want to see it again.” I said we couldn’t, at least not now, but possibly someday. I didn’t realize the profound impact of all of this dying talk until a couple evenings later. It was after Brian’s funeral, while Lynnette was working, Eden slept next to me. With some sadness and frustration on her face she said, “Dad, I don’t want you to go with Jesus.” I told her I would do my best but if I had to go be with Jesus, Brian and the bird would take good care me. She understood.

The Waiting Psychosis and a Few Things I've learned

My wife and I have a phrase called “the waiting psychosis” which is a state of peril, a social stand still or lack of progression where nothing seems to be moving forward until a concluding event. This could happen to a person in my situation whose waited a long time for a life or death surgery, or on bed rest during a difficult pregnancy where you might enjoy new life or none at all, diagnosed with cancer, living in a troubled marriage not knowing if it will last, losing a child to drugs, immorality, or something else. In any of these situations human emotion intensifies and life can seem confusing.

I can’t speak for others but I have learned some important principles in suffering if you’ll permit me to share them with you. Of course, I don’t have a doctorate in philosophy or psychiatry but I am almost an expert witness in these things. I realize that many of you have gone through far greater trials than my own. Survivors of the holocaust could teach us all a thing or two about pain. Please permit me to share with you a few things I’ve observed.

I’ve learned how a person reacts to suffering affects more than just one. When you throw a pebble in a pond there is a rippling effect. How you act or react to your situation effects those around you. It’s ok to be angry, impatient, and frustrated. Voice your concerns to those closest to you and talk through the problem. But, how often do we forget to tell people in our lives how much we love them? Share with them that you appreciate their help and sacrifice in serving you. It’s not a party for them either but together, as Martin Luther King Jr. said, “we shall overcome!”

There are four principles that I have realized help during a difficult situation. They are humility, patience, courage, and service.

First, suffering will humble you and if you aren’t humble hold on to your hat because something at some point in your life, call it deity or whatever, something will happen to remind you that you are powerless against your own situation. In speaking of overcoming a problem one of my favorite political influences Mohandas Gandhi said, “I will combat it by humble love.” He oversaw a peaceful revolution that led India to independence and inspired movements for civil rights and freedom across the world.

Second, waiting for a concluding event teaches you patience. “Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.” Leo Tolstoy wrote, “The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”

Third, courage is strength in the face of fear, pain, or grief. There are many great examples of people who overcame their fears and took courage as their course of action. My maternal grandfather was a captain of a gun artillery unit in France during World War II. He led men into battle and was wounded. He reminds me of all those who face war which is the darkest hour of human suffering with all of its death and destruction.

George Ambrose popular book and HBO series Band of Brothers follows the men of East Company from D-Day through the war. A few days after D-Day, they were walking down a road toward a French village when a German machine gun opened fire on them. In spite of their training, the men ducked for cover and froze. The company commander, Dick Winters, knew if they stayed there, his men would be cut down. Lieutenant Winders reacted. He stood up in the middle of the road, away from cover, bullets whistling all around him and ordered his men to move out. His men stared at him, not believing what they were seeing-but only for an instant. The courage of their commanding officer inspired them. They moved out.

You don’t have to go to war to face courage. My father in law raised ten children after my wife’s mother passed away from cancer. He was a schoolteacher and retired early to raise his children who have become great people.

My sister's husband chose to follow his convictions and serve a mission for his church although his own father discouraged him from going.

People like these are my heroes. They do something extraordinary even though it’s hard. “Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point,” said C.S. Lewis.

Fourth, service is love. It is the humble act of giving of your time, talents, and whatever you have to help another person. Accepting service takes humility. Once I realized the growth experienced in serving another is when I understood that to deny someone else the opportunity is to be selfish. David O. Mckay preached, “Happiness is the end, really, of our existence. That happiness comes most effectively through service to our fellow men.” He also said, “It is a principle the application of which promises to supplant discouragement and gloom with hope and gladness; to fill life with contentment and peace everlasting. This being true its acceptance would indeed be a boon today to this distracted, depression-ridden world. Why, then, do men and nations ignore a thing so precious?” The great American poet Maya Angelou said, “My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.”

Humility, patience, courage, and service are principles you work at. It takes time. When my doctor opens my chest for the sixth time in my life it won’t be his first time working on a heart. He has been trained. It takes courage, humility, patience, and service to do his job. Surgery is a practice like playing the piano. You work on your skills and spend a lot of time developing your talent. When it comes time to perform you hope that you’ve practiced enough to be the most effective at the most critical time. Likewise, I will hold to these four invaluable principles, which should empower me though the drama of recovery, and any future event that challenges me. I am not perfect and this is why I needed an imperfect heart.

Finally, I find great comfort in a statement made by one of my spiritual guides who passed away from cancer. Neal A. Maxwell recorded, “We tend to think only in terms of our endurance, but it is God’s patient long-suffering which provides us with our chances to improve, affording us urgently needed developmental space or time.” I pondered that word long-suffering, a word used to explain God by almost every great spiritual leader in all kinds of denominations. What does that word mean?

Long-suffering means to be stoic, charitable, understanding, forgiving through the difficulty. I’ve learned that if we endure these challenges with humility and patience and ponder all that we’ve endured, no matter what the circumstance, we will be stoic through the storms of life that our family, friends, or associates face. We will become that much more endowed with power to reach our hand down and grab their hand pulling them up as we all climb this ladder called life.

(Pictures: All photos by Copyright 2009 Jeffery D. Allred, Deseret News, Used by Permission, except the one of my arm)

And what of dying?

Thoughts of the future are heavy on my mind. I should note that I am at peace. My faith sustains me. But, it’s impossible for me not to discuss feelings on the subject of dying living in my shoes with heart failure that requires a transplant, and not just any transplant, but a rather difficult surgery, which requires several pediatric thoracic surgeons.

I sometimes think most of us are in denial about growing old and eventually facing our own death. Everyone dies. We accept birth and love to talk to about it. But, what of dying?

As a child you don’t think or talk about your own death because you just got here. As adults it’s a taboo subject and doesn’t always make for delightful conversation with friends. But, living with a disease you are reminded all of the time that you probably won't grow old.

At age 13 when I laid deathly ill with endocarditis in the hospital I had no notion that I would die during that time. I even overheard my doctor after he walked out of my room during rounds say, “if we don’t do something quick we’re going to lose that kid.” I thought to myself, “I’ll be fine.” Of course, we all know kids believe they are immortal, especially teenagers.

I remember a difficult moment a year later while recovering from reconstructive open-heart surgery wherein doctors had to go back in and reopen my chest. I was frustrated. When they had to do it a third time because of further complications I remember saying to my dad, “can’t I just go home?” meaning back to God. "I’m tired of all of this," I said.

As an adult it becomes much more difficult to think about. I have responsibility. I’m a father and husband. The truth is I am not afraid to die because my faith sustains me but I am afraid of missing out on my daughter’s life and helping my beautiful wife raise her.

The beauty in suffering and those affected by it is that our comprehension of our love and affection for each other stays on the surface and becomes what I consider the most valuable and important time of our marriage. We hold each other closer because of what could happen and the nostalgia we feel.

I don’t wish dying on anyone. But, if we could think about our own death for 2-3 minutes each day I believe we would see the world differently. If we thought of what life would be like without that certain someone how would we treat them? The argument you had with a friend or family member becomes meaningless. The world in general becomes more beautiful. Each day is a new gift from God. Life becomes a greater opportunity to do something positive to make this world better. “Every man dies. Not every man really lives,” said William Wallace (Braveheart)

I don’t know what will happen to me but I certainly love each moment I have and look forward to each waking day. I do think the longer you wait for a transplant the longer you have to think, speculate, and wonder.

My cardiologists have brilliantly stabilized my health and prepared me for the challenging surgery. I’m confident in my thoracic surgeons and the great team they work with. They are skilled professionals and I have deep respect for their work. Fortunately, they’ve had time to review my case over these past 7 months.

Ultimately I believe that I am in the hands of a loving God who I’ve asked humbly to allow me more time in this world to enjoy its beauty and people.