And what of dying?

Thoughts of the future are heavy on my mind. I should note that I am at peace. My faith sustains me. But, it’s impossible for me not to discuss feelings on the subject of dying living in my shoes with heart failure that requires a transplant, and not just any transplant, but a rather difficult surgery, which requires several pediatric thoracic surgeons.

I sometimes think most of us are in denial about growing old and eventually facing our own death. Everyone dies. We accept birth and love to talk to about it. But, what of dying?

As a child you don’t think or talk about your own death because you just got here. As adults it’s a taboo subject and doesn’t always make for delightful conversation with friends. But, living with a disease you are reminded all of the time that you probably won't grow old.

At age 13 when I laid deathly ill with endocarditis in the hospital I had no notion that I would die during that time. I even overheard my doctor after he walked out of my room during rounds say, “if we don’t do something quick we’re going to lose that kid.” I thought to myself, “I’ll be fine.” Of course, we all know kids believe they are immortal, especially teenagers.

I remember a difficult moment a year later while recovering from reconstructive open-heart surgery wherein doctors had to go back in and reopen my chest. I was frustrated. When they had to do it a third time because of further complications I remember saying to my dad, “can’t I just go home?” meaning back to God. "I’m tired of all of this," I said.

As an adult it becomes much more difficult to think about. I have responsibility. I’m a father and husband. The truth is I am not afraid to die because my faith sustains me but I am afraid of missing out on my daughter’s life and helping my beautiful wife raise her.

The beauty in suffering and those affected by it is that our comprehension of our love and affection for each other stays on the surface and becomes what I consider the most valuable and important time of our marriage. We hold each other closer because of what could happen and the nostalgia we feel.

I don’t wish dying on anyone. But, if we could think about our own death for 2-3 minutes each day I believe we would see the world differently. If we thought of what life would be like without that certain someone how would we treat them? The argument you had with a friend or family member becomes meaningless. The world in general becomes more beautiful. Each day is a new gift from God. Life becomes a greater opportunity to do something positive to make this world better. “Every man dies. Not every man really lives,” said William Wallace (Braveheart)

I don’t know what will happen to me but I certainly love each moment I have and look forward to each waking day. I do think the longer you wait for a transplant the longer you have to think, speculate, and wonder.

My cardiologists have brilliantly stabilized my health and prepared me for the challenging surgery. I’m confident in my thoracic surgeons and the great team they work with. They are skilled professionals and I have deep respect for their work. Fortunately, they’ve had time to review my case over these past 7 months.

Ultimately I believe that I am in the hands of a loving God who I’ve asked humbly to allow me more time in this world to enjoy its beauty and people.