My wife and I have a phrase called “the waiting psychosis” which is a state of peril, a social stand still or lack of progression where nothing seems to be moving forward until a concluding event. This could happen to a person in my situation whose waited a long time for a life or death surgery, or on bed rest during a difficult pregnancy where you might enjoy new life or none at all, diagnosed with cancer, living in a troubled marriage not knowing if it will last, losing a child to drugs, immorality, or something else. In any of these situations human emotion intensifies and life can seem confusing.
I can’t speak for others but I have learned some important principles in suffering if you’ll permit me to share them with you. Of course, I don’t have a doctorate in philosophy or psychiatry but I am almost an expert witness in these things. I realize that many of you have gone through far greater trials than my own. Survivors of the holocaust could teach us all a thing or two about pain. Please permit me to share with you a few things I’ve observed.
I’ve learned how a person reacts to suffering affects more than just one. When you throw a pebble in a pond there is a rippling effect. How you act or react to your situation effects those around you. It’s ok to be angry, impatient, and frustrated. Voice your concerns to those closest to you and talk through the problem. But, how often do we forget to tell people in our lives how much we love them? Share with them that you appreciate their help and sacrifice in serving you. It’s not a party for them either but together, as Martin Luther King Jr. said, “we shall overcome!”
There are four principles that I have realized help during a difficult situation. They are humility, patience, courage, and service.
First, suffering will humble you and if you aren’t humble hold on to your hat because something at some point in your life, call it deity or whatever, something will happen to remind you that you are powerless against your own situation. In speaking of overcoming a problem one of my favorite political influences Mohandas Gandhi said, “I will combat it by humble love.” He oversaw a peaceful revolution that led India to independence and inspired movements for civil rights and freedom across the world.
Second, waiting for a concluding event teaches you patience. “Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.” Leo Tolstoy wrote, “The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”
Third, courage is strength in the face of fear, pain, or grief. There are many great examples of people who overcame their fears and took courage as their course of action. My maternal grandfather was a captain of a gun artillery unit in France during World War II. He led men into battle and was wounded. He reminds me of all those who face war which is the darkest hour of human suffering with all of its death and destruction.
George Ambrose popular book and HBO series Band of Brothers follows the men of East Company from D-Day through the war. A few days after D-Day, they were walking down a road toward a French village when a German machine gun opened fire on them. In spite of their training, the men ducked for cover and froze. The company commander, Dick Winters, knew if they stayed there, his men would be cut down. Lieutenant Winders reacted. He stood up in the middle of the road, away from cover, bullets whistling all around him and ordered his men to move out. His men stared at him, not believing what they were seeing-but only for an instant. The courage of their commanding officer inspired them. They moved out.
You don’t have to go to war to face courage. My father in law raised ten children after my wife’s mother passed away from cancer. He was a schoolteacher and retired early to raise his children who have become great people.
My sister's husband chose to follow his convictions and serve a mission for his church although his own father discouraged him from going.
People like these are my heroes. They do something extraordinary even though it’s hard. “Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point,” said C.S. Lewis.
Fourth, service is love. It is the humble act of giving of your time, talents, and whatever you have to help another person. Accepting service takes humility. Once I realized the growth experienced in serving another is when I understood that to deny someone else the opportunity is to be selfish. David O. Mckay preached, “Happiness is the end, really, of our existence. That happiness comes most effectively through service to our fellow men.” He also said, “It is a principle the application of which promises to supplant discouragement and gloom with hope and gladness; to fill life with contentment and peace everlasting. This being true its acceptance would indeed be a boon today to this distracted, depression-ridden world. Why, then, do men and nations ignore a thing so precious?” The great American poet Maya Angelou said, “My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.”
Humility, patience, courage, and service are principles you work at. It takes time. When my doctor opens my chest for the sixth time in my life it won’t be his first time working on a heart. He has been trained. It takes courage, humility, patience, and service to do his job. Surgery is a practice like playing the piano. You work on your skills and spend a lot of time developing your talent. When it comes time to perform you hope that you’ve practiced enough to be the most effective at the most critical time. Likewise, I will hold to these four invaluable principles, which should empower me though the drama of recovery, and any future event that challenges me. I am not perfect and this is why I needed an imperfect heart.
Finally, I find great comfort in a statement made by one of my spiritual guides who passed away from cancer. Neal A. Maxwell recorded, “We tend to think only in terms of our endurance, but it is God’s patient long-suffering which provides us with our chances to improve, affording us urgently needed developmental space or time.” I pondered that word long-suffering, a word used to explain God by almost every great spiritual leader in all kinds of denominations. What does that word mean?
Long-suffering means to be stoic, charitable, understanding, forgiving through the difficulty. I’ve learned that if we endure these challenges with humility and patience and ponder all that we’ve endured, no matter what the circumstance, we will be stoic through the storms of life that our family, friends, or associates face. We will become that much more endowed with power to reach our hand down and grab their hand pulling them up as we all climb this ladder called life.
(Pictures: All photos by Copyright 2009 Jeffery D. Allred, Deseret News, Used by Permission, except the one of my arm)
I have confidence in my surgeon’s ability to pull it off. I don’t doubt that. But, I fear the recovery. Will I be claustrophobic? I have felt uncomfortable in the past for simple procedures. Will I go crazy or feel extremely restless? I've experienced some of those feelings before in the hospital and this is my greatest fear. I'm not afraid of the surgery and the physical pain as much as the fear of having no control over my mind and body. I’m sure these questions and emotions are natural. Despite these insecurities, I am at peace knowing that the entire team is prepared.
In the meantime, we’ve been spending more time together as a family doing a few fun things. I have some renewed energy, which I attribute to everyone’s prayers and good medicine. In fact, last night we ran for Ice Cream at Baskin' Robbins. My girl Eden always orders the clown, bites off all the decorations, and then offers to trade deserts with my wife. Eden will eat most of Lynnette’s ice cream and then want to swap back leaving her mother an empty cone. We laugh. Eden is a character.
