The Irony in Life

Life is full of ironies. A prominent thoracic surgeon who was scheduled to do my procedure, and who has saved hundreds of kid's lives, has cancer and will be unable to return to the operating room. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family during this incredibly difficult time.

Another one of life's ironies is that my thoughts and prayers are constantly with a family whose husband; son, father, mother, wife, or daughter will be my donor. If I only knew who they were could I warn them? Could we stop whatever calamity is coming? This is a very sobering predicament. Like the young single mother who gives her child away to a married couple for adoption, there is an almost indescribable sacrifice, which takes place.

My wife works with babies fresh from Heaven while I have a friend who buried people for his profession until he sold his business. On and on it goes and the irony of life and death is fascinating, sobering, difficult, and mysterious.

Where do we find comfort in all of this? It's almost impossible for me to discuss such strange diversions in life without acknowledging my faith in a loving Heavenly Father who knows and understands all things.

A spiritual hero of mine and theologian leader Neil A. Maxwell wrote, "Irony is the hard crust on the bread of adversity. Irony can try both our faith and our patience. Irony can be a particularly bitter form of such chastening because it involves disturbing incongruity. It involves outcomes in violation of our expectations. We see the best laid plans laid waste."

He continues, "With its inverting of our anticipated consequences, irony becomes the frequent cause of an individual’s being offended. The larger and the more untamed one’s ego, the greater the likelihood of his being offended, especially when tasting his portion of vinegar and gall."

"Words then issue, such as Why me? Why this? Why now? Of course, these words may give way to subsequent spiritual composure. Sometimes, however, such words precede bitter inconsolability, and then it is a surprisingly short distance between disappointment and bitterness."

Maxwell further suggests, "Amid life’s varied ironies, you and I may begin to wonder, did not God notice this torturous turn of events? And if He noticed, why did He permit it? Am I not valued?"

"Irony may involve not only unexpected suffering but also undeserved suffering. We feel we deserved better, and yet we fared worse. We had other plans, even commendable plans. Did they not count? A physician, laboriously trained to help the sick, now, because of his own illness, cannot do so."

And finally, Neil Maxwell concludes, "In coping with irony, as in all things, we have an Exemplary Teacher in Jesus. Dramatic irony assaulted Jesus’ divinity almost constantly.

"For Jesus, in fact, irony began at His birth. Truly, He suffered the will of the Father “in all things from the beginning.” This whole earth became Jesus’ footstool, but at Bethlehem there was “no room … in the inn” and “no crib for his bed”

"At the end, meek and lowly Jesus partook of the most bitter cup without becoming the least bitter. The Most Innocent suffered the most. Yet the King of Kings did not break, even when some of His subjects did unto Him “as they listed.” Christ’s capacity to endure such irony was truly remarkable."

"You and I are so much more brittle. For instance, we forget that, by their very nature, tests are unfair."

A scripture reads something like, "I do not know the meaning of all things? But, I know that God loves His children."

And another which provides great comfort says, "The spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life...those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow."

Often, in my mind flow the words of another spiritual hero, Joseph Smith, who wrote, "I am like a huge, rough stone rolling down from a high mountain; … knocking off a corner here and a corner there. Thus I will become a smooth and polished shaft in the quiver of the Almighty."

All of my life's challenges and mountains to climb have brought me closer to my family and to God. I would not trade them for all the money in the world. These things are difficult and discouraging at times but there is much greater suffering in the world than my own. And through it all I am comforted knowing that God is my friend.

Visit my blog titled My Faith in Jesus

Read the full sermon "Irony: The Crust on the Bread of Adversity" by Neil A. Maxwell

Remembering a Girl named Stephanie

There is not a week that goes by that I don’t remember a little girl named Stephanie who had a profound effect on my attitude and outlook on life.

I was a teenager and received the challenging Fontan procedure, which would greatly improve my heart’s function. Surgeons re-opened my chest a few days later to reduce swelling, bleeding, and implant a pacemaker. I was in good spirits until they said they had to go back in and replace the faulty pacemaker and move it to my abdomen. By then I was depressed and frustrated with my situation. I remember saying to my dad with tears in my eyes, as I was wheeled on an operating table into that final surgery, “I want to go home.” But, what I meant was home to God. “I can’t take this anymore.”

I had been in the pediatric intensive care unit a few days sleeping mostly as my body recovered. There was one particular day when I awoke and saw standing next to the side of my bed a young girl I thought to be 5 or 6 years old. She had dark hair, big beautiful eyes, and was obviously mesmerized at my situation. I must have had a hundred tubes running in and out of me and I still had a large one down my throat, which was uncomfortable. But, here was this young girl who was very pale. I noticed a tube placed into her trachea on her neck. She could not speak and sadly she appeared to be dying. And yet, this little girl had a smile that stretched from one ear to the other as if to say, “Cheer up… It’ll be ok!”

Over the next few days we became friends. Stephanie would stop by to visit me in the PICU and eventually in my room on 4 West. She drew me a picture of her in green scrubs standing tall in a bed of colorful flowers by a tree with the sun shining down. I would show her all of my BYU football posters of Shawn Knight and Jason Buck along with an autographed picture of Bruce Hurst who pitched for the Boston Red Sox. He graciously stopped by to see several patients the previous year while I was having heart surgery to remove the walnut size blister full of staff infection or called endocarditis. (His pitching helped the Rex Sox defeat the New York Mets in the 1986 world series.)

Eventually, I recovered and went home. A year later my family ran into Stephanie’s mother Patsy at a grocery store where she told us that her daughter passed away shortly after we left the hospital. She had a form of sistic fibrosis, which slowly took her home to God. Patsy told us Stephanie loved coming down a floor to see patients but it wore her out and eventually she died.

Many years later as I was preparing to leave my home for a two-year service mission for my church this experience would replay over and over in my mind. I spent three weeks in a training center under a very strict schedule. We were up at 6:30 every morning, attended 12 hours of class, and hit the sack at 10:30 pm. This began to wear on my health and I was frustrated and became depressed. I thought about being sent home. I didn’t want to be a burden.

My mind reflected back to my challenges in a hospital where I underwent worse challenges and I thought of Stephanie. And for the first time I realized the depth of her sacrifice in visiting me. She died giving of herself to others. She probably could have lasted a little longer. But, rather, she got out and went to the aid of another. Whether that was her intention or not she did it anyways. Her visits and radiating smile transfixed me in the hospital and I was no longer depressed.

And in that missionary training center, after being depressed and throwing a pity party for myself I chose to “cheer up” and told myself Stephanie’s words, “It’ll be ok.” My mission became another one of the most important experiences of my life wherein I learned many of life’s valuable lessons.

There is not a week that goes by that I don’t think about Stephanie.

(Pictures: Top Right - Me and Stephanie; Right Middle - My companion Elder Clark and me; Bottom Right - With one of my favorite families)

CONCERT: Lynnette's thoughts and the Deseret News article

My angel of a wife Lynnette posted her thoughts about the Living for Eden Benefit for our family on her private blog. I asked her if I could share with you what she posted. Here is what she had to say.

"Where on earth do I start? There are not adequate words to describe this experience for us nor are there words to express our gratitude to all of those who participated, donated, helped and attended this event in our behalf. It was one of those "once in a lifetime experiences" that we have been so fortunate to have.

Oh how we wish everyone could have felt what we felt that night. It was an outpouring of love that was so incredibly overwhelming and it lifted us beyond our imaginations. The concert was amazing and so much fun.

We truly respect all of the artists who participated. They live up to the utmost definition of goodness. I wish we could thank each and every person individually who helped make this event a success last April 6.

We know so many of you made a lot of effort in advertising, getting donations, etc. The funds raised will ease the financial burden we are facing with Paul unable to work and the medical expenses that will continue to come, but truthfully, I feel like the most amazing gift from this experience is the love we felt from all of you. And that is worth more than anything money could buy! We are so humbled.

The true highlight of the evening was seeing the faces of so many beloved friends who were in attendance. We felt of your spirits and we will draw from this experience for many months to come, especially in those challenging times. Since the concert there has been many tears of gratitude in the quiet moments of our home as donations continue to silently come and as we replay this event in our minds. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Eden was such a ham....and was so happy. I am glad she felt the magic too!

We were really touched that people waited and waited to get in to the concert. We were so shocked that it sold out.

This is me and Paul's darling mom. She has been heaven sent and I am so very grateful for her incredible support. She watches Eden without complaint when I have to work and Eden adores her. Her emotional support keeps me grounded and I feel so lucky to have her, especially while we deal with Paul's failing health. She sure raised an incredible son too! She is one of a kind.

This is me and Paul's beautiful sister Becky.

All of Paul's siblings are wonderful and I admire them all. They were so great as they rallied around to pull this event off. His sister Carol Burgoyne was responsible for the silent auction and her organization skills are amazing. Several of my siblings and other family members helped out too.

Everyone that participated made this event an overwhelming success. Family is life's greatest blessing!"

- Lynnette Cardall

Pianist's competitors rally for fellow artist

By Carrie A. Moore

Deseret News

Published: Saturday, April 11, 2009 10:06 p.m. MDT

Third in an occasional series

When earnestness trumps envy and competition gives way to cooperation, great things can happen among friends, though adults — especially those in the public eye — seem often to act otherwise.

So when Russ Dixon, leader of a local band called "Colors," called a fellow musician last month to perform free of charge at a benefit concert for pianist Paul Cardall — whom some fellow LDS musicians may consider to be "the competition" — the answer "left me with goose bumps," Dixon said.

"I'd pay money myself to come and do that show," came the reply.

When at least two dozen local musicians, producers, sound and lighting technicians and cameramen came together this week at Cottonwood High School, they added their silent "amens" to the reply Dixon heard. Each left without a dime in their pockets, though the concert was a sellout.

"Living for Eden," as the show was dubbed, was a full-blown community effort to raise money for their friend and fellow musician, whose damaged heart won't beat much longer. Cardall and his family — including his 3-year-old daughter, Eden — are waiting for a phone call that says a donor heart is waiting to be transplanted into his chest. It's his last shot at being able to see his daughter grow up. After living for more than three decades with congenital heart disease, he's undergone 28 operations and seven open-heart surgeries.

While Cardall's spirit is strong, his heart grows weaker by the day.

(2 Right Photos: Courtesy of Jeffery Allred / Deseret News ©2009)

Read the rest of the article

My Heart Cath

Prior to yesterday’s heart cath my wife Lynnette and I were fortunate to visit with a cute little boy named Grant and his parent’s Kyle and Allie. Grant was born with HLHS and needed some repair work on his liver, which was shaped like a horseshoe around his other organs. But, gratefully, after many prayers and good medical care, Grant is on the mend and doing better. Doctors need to keep him in the pediatric intensive care unit (P.I.C.U.) for another couple of weeks before Kyle and Allie can take him home. In the meantime, his parents have an RV they can stay in parked at the hospital. Kyle has been attending school in Logan, Utah.

While in the P.I.C.U. we saw many familiar faces and had a brief conversation with one of my surgeons. We also learned that little Jack Trent is recovering very well from his Fontan and they hope to take him home soon.

As for my cath, we checked in at noon and waited with other same-day surgery children. I always enjoy sitting in there as the only adult going into a procedure. Toys are everywhere. There was one woman telling her grandson how to play his video game. So I pulled out my Iphone and played a golf game.

We were called into a room after 30 minutes. They checked my vital stats and had me take off my clothes and put on a gown. Doctor Gray came in and we discussed the procedure, which would be my third cath since being listed for a heart last August.

My anestiologist came into the room and we discussed how they wouldn’t put me completely under like the children but they would give me an anti-anxiety drug and another causing amnesia. (In my childhood I remember being awake for most of these caths although they now put the kids completely out).

After saying goodbye to my gorgeous wife I walked into the cath lab which looks like an operation room. There were several nurses and techs prepping the room. We joked about the temperpedic mattress on the narrow operating table. We laughed about many other things as I laid flat on the table.

They hooked me up to machines and began a slow drip of the drug in my picc line. Once the drip was going they put an IV in my left hand so I could have my 24/7 medication Mileranone running into my picc. I continued joking about my vulnerable situation. The radio was playing “round and round” by a metal band called RATT. I hadn’t heard that song in a long time. I mentioned, “you’re putting me out to this 80s song?” Slowly, I faded or drifted off and the procedure went forward.

I remember talking through the procedure although I was very sleepy. I felt the wire going into my body through an artery in my left groin area. It was somewhat uncomfortable, but not painful. It’s like being at the dentist after they’ve numbed you and you feel the pressures of the drill in your mouth but no pain. Doctor Gray checked my heart's pressures, the stent he had put in six months ago, and clot off a large collateral artery.

I awoke in the recovery room surrounded by other children in their beds, plenty of nurses, and a lot of movement. I have to be honest I felt extremely uncomfortable and had a lot of anxiety. I’m not sure if I had a bad reaction to a drug or if some evil power overcame me. I was discouraged and mentally drained. I felt like the character Andy in The Shawshank Redemption trying to escape through the narrow tunnel he had spent years try to dig to his freedom.

After an hour Lynnette put my socks on my feet. I put on my shirt and eventually the anxieties went away. I became calm and asked for some food. I asked my nurse for the popular root beer slushy many have grown to love. I downed a few of those and by 10:30 pm we were able to pack up and head home after getting a dose of antibiotics through my IV, which they would remove. I still have a large bandage over my left groin that I’ll take off in a few hours.

In the midst of suffering I try to remind myself that it does end. It might seem like a million years away. But, the pain ends. Some suffering last our whole life – but it ends. I am comforted by my faith and knowing there is a loving God who does not find joy in our suffering but finds joy in what it makes us become.

(Pictures: Top - Grant and his parents Kyle & Allie, Middle - Me and Lynnette, Bottom - With my Mom whose spent years in a children's hospital with me)

Cath Today & Medical History Diagram

I'm heading into the hospital for a heart cath in a little bit and wanted to post this picture by Jeffrey D. Allred/Deseret News ©2009.

His photo completely captures our little family at Primary Children Medical Center. Eden is in the back showing my wife Lynnette a toy she loves. This is the 1st floor waiting room for labs on the southside.

Also, I've posted a diagram at the bottom of this blog showing hand drawn images of my heart when I was born and the progression of it's anatomy up to this day. It's fascinating to learn the function of the heart. What a magnificent creation!

Thanks again for everyone's continued support. We feel the power of your prayers and love.

Clinic Update & Concert Story

My bi-monthly clinic concluded that my health is stable. Isn’t it nice to be told your clinically stable? I have more color in my face. I’m producing more red blood cells. (This could explain my leaning toward college blue BYU all of these years.) On Tuesday, I will undergo a heart cath or cardiac catheterization.



My fellow cardiac pal Grant
We continue to get feedback from the concert and are hearing wonderful stories about people who attended the show. My wife and I are still humbled by the outpouring of love and support!

This came from Kyle & Alli, the parents of my fellow cardiac pal Grant, who is recovering from some challenging surgery.

“Last night, we had another huge blessing. We have wanted to attend a benefit concert for Paul Cardall (an musician who has a similar heart defect to Grant and who is waiting for his heart transplant), but we were unsure of where life would take us and so we did not buy tickets.

Yesterday, after we decided we trusted our nurses for the day and we knew our night nurse, we decided we could attempt our first real outing away from the hospital! To our dismay, tickets were sold out. We started trying to find some tickets and just after posting and emailing a few people, someone came on the intercom here and announced that they had tickets for the concert that they were not using that they wanted to donate to a family here on the floor. What a fast answer to a simple hopeful prayer! We claimed the tickets and were able to go with a few friends last night.

What a wonderful concert it was. I had major anxiety leaving Grant for so long, but it was good to be there. We met many heart families who we had previously known only through the world of blogs and thoroughly enjoyed the entertainment. Paul was able to stand with his family and thank those in attendance for their support and it was wonderful to see him, though weak, still full of hope.

There was a beautiful tribute to Gracie Gledhill and recognition of the many other families with "cardiac kids" and the whole heart community was there to embrace another. We spoke with Tom and Michele Gledhill right before the concert and I was so glad for their family to continue to see little Gracie living on and touching lives just as each of these sweet angel babies do to all who know them and their lives.

I loved being there, but I was glad to be back with my sweet baby.” - grantmeaheart.blogspot.com

There are a lot of cardiac kids who are in need of help and there are mother's with empty arms who need our prayers. And when you retire this evening remember them and don't forget to say one for Grant and his family.

Living for Eden Concert | Thank you!!

Pictures from one of the audience members Regina Fee see more of her photos from the show

Words cannot adequately express our sincere appreciation to all of you for joining with us to celebrate life and living for Eden. Our family experienced a feeling of love that we will cherish for a very long time. You are wonderful and we will never forget your kindness, love, and support.

We are optimistic about my future! My doctors at Primary Children’s Medical Center Angela Yetman, Melanie Everitt, their staff and surgeons are gifted and skilled professionals whose wisdom is blessing our community, particularly those who are born with congenital heart disease. And whether things go as we hope or not – one thing I do know is that every day we have to enjoy this life should be celebrated. It is a gift from our Heavenly Father. And as the Louie Armstrong song goes, "It’s a beautiful world" and I look forward to each new day.

Finally, a special thank you to all of the musicians, production, ushers, volunteers, family, friends, and the two people who pulled their resources together to do this event. My good friend and former business partner Jeremy Baron of the Baron Music Group and my dear sister Carol Burgoyne who is not only one of my best friends but one of the most talented organizers I know.

Thank you everyone. We love you!

Paul (Lynnette & Eden)

P.S. Please say a prayer for Jack Thomas Trent whose going in tomorrow morning for his Fontan procedure at Primary Children's Medical Center. And pray for Dr. Peter Kouretas who will perform the delicate procedure.

The Fontan which I received was the old verson which has sustained my life for 22 years. The new Fontan will go much further and longer for kids like Jack.

P.S.S. Also baby boy Grant (HLHS) is going to have some surgery. Say a prayer for him. http://grantmeaheart.blogspot.com/

Deseret News | Savoring every day

Young family anxiously awaits heart transplant
By Carrie A. Moore (Published: Saturday, April 4, 2009)

Photo by Jeffery D. Allred

As a student nurse, Lynette Cardall knew enough about severe health problems to realize the gravity of her decision to marry a man with congenital heart disease.

Her father, left a widower when Lynnette was only 8 years old, had often told her "the hardest thing I ever did was lose your mom." So when she told him she wanted to marry Paul Cardall — knowing her fiance's chances of dying young — her father reminded her of his own difficult life experience.

"Just make sure you think about the decision," he counseled.

Click Here to Read the Article (DeseretNews.Com)

Concert on Monday! Peter Breinholt, Colors, Ryan Shupe & The Rubberband, Kurt Bestor, Sam Payne

Again, we are so thankful for all of these musicians; Kurt Bestor, Peter Breinholt, Ryan Shupe & the Rubberband, Colors, and Sam Payne. Amazing!! Colors is re-uniting for the show on Monday. I was a youth counselor at Brigham Young University's Especially For Youth Program for several years before I was married and Colors was the favorite performers for the ladies at the conference. They're great guys and Russ is a good friend. My wife and I were with Ryan Shupe & The Rubberband in Hawaii when they played BYU-Hawaii. I know, tough gig. They are a lot of fun and have had some of my favorite videos air on CMT. Also, Sam Payne is amazing! He is a gifted folk singer and story teller I've been fortunate to know. He is a good friend and great musician. You'll love him. Peter Breinholt is one of the greatest guys and musicians I've been fortunate to work with. We are extremely humbled that he is going to help us out on Monday at the benefit concert. Kurt Bestor is a musician I greatly admire who will be joining us at the benefit on Monday night. I remember seeing him perform with a small band ensemble and light orchestra at Sundance Ski Resort and was uplifted beyond words. We've become friends over the years and I appreciate all that he is doing for our family at this time.