A Review of 2009
by Lynnette Cardall
I have recognized that I'm an extremely private person. But, with that said, I feel it is impossible to review the last year's events without giving you an honest glimpse into my personal world.And wow...what a year it was! So if you are not one for life altering drama then maybe you should stop right here!
Where do I begin? It seems that most people will never have the opportunity to experience what we went through as a family. I say opportunity because it truly was a rare gift to go through all that we did. Both the good and the bad!!!
Life's truest lessons and a richer perspective are only gained from experience. I realize that I am not the only one in the world suffering from unfortunate circumstances. In fact, I know that I am profoundly blessed to have all that I have.
But this past year I found myself often looking at individuals that seemed to have an easier lot than I and comparing my life to theirs. Come on....it is only human to do so. I craved the normalcy that they seemed to have. I wanted their normal stresses like such things as spilled milk, an overdue bill, or a broken washing machine.
The discouraging thing was I seemed to have all those stresses but in addition I had life consuming worry that my life may change dramatically from a great loss.I felt like loss and I were all too familiar and I was not ready for another visit with grief. Growing up motherless and losing several babies due to miscarriages and complicated pregnancies made me feel ready for a break. But all too soon I found myself back on the bandwagon of worry. Statistics for Paul were not encouraging and I was doing my best to remain positive.
Still my mind would ruminate with questions such as how would I explain it all to Eden, let alone, how would I personally make it through another day without Paul? Sure, I could remarry and find companionship again. That is if I could get past the grief from losing Paul. And there indeed were many talks with Paul regarding this subject. I became upset when I realized no one would truly love or worry about Eden like Paul would (my brief encounter with a step mom taught me that unfortunate fact, and possibly exaggerated it too).
I was exhausted from working my nursing shifts, keep up with daily tasks at home, caring for Eden and a sick husband, but most of all worrying and planning for the worst. It pained me to watch Paul feeling ill and helpless. I felt useless because I couldn't fix his ailing body.
At times I wondered how I had allowed myself to get into this situation. If I had learned anything as a child from watching my dad deal with the premature loss of my mom from cancer it was that I swore I would never want to be in his shoes..... never, never, ever!When I met Paul and learned of the serious nature of his heart problem I seemed to have dismissed the hell my dad had gone through grieving my mother.
Photo: Back in the dating days of the 90s
At the time, I felt like I could conquer anything because our bond was unlike any bond I had experienced with anyone else. I think in my heart of hearts, I knew this experience would be extremely hard, but... I was willing to take the risk for Paul. He was one of a kind. Not just handsome and funny and ambitious (qualities all women look for), but he was strong, and I mean strong in character. His faith was unremarkable and unshakable, his motives clear and genuine, he possessed great depth, and his wisdom was well beyond his years. He was exactly what I wanted and if that meant it was not for a lifetime, I was still willing to take the risk. I could have let Paul go and settled on marrying some other man, but that someone else probably would have most likely taken me down a path filled with normal life, little adventure, and normal stresses!
The lows this year have been awful, but the highs have been exquisite. The outcome of Paul's transplant has exceeded all our expectations and to be next to him as he experiences a second chance at life with a newness of adventure has been exhilarating. The love and support we have felt from so many was overwhelming and so sweet. We have crossed paths with forever friends who have shaped our lives for the better.
The benefit concert put on by Paul's colleagues in our local music industry was an experience so amazing that I regard it as special as the day we were married. Countless other experiences, religious as well as casual, have been indescribable. Paul was an absolute rock through everything and it just confirmed to me why he was the one for me.The ironic and unexpected loss of Paul's brother put a whole new twist on our situation. I kept thinking we would wake up from the bad dream. It did not seem real. Brian was a close friend of mine growing up and Paul and him had a very special bond. The whole happenstance is still hard to digest.
Not only did the event add grief to the pot of feelings, but a sense of guilt too. Paul feels guilt for surviving and I feel guilty for still having Paul at my side. I recognize that these feelings are nothing to feel bad about, but it is still hard to dismiss them. We all miss Brian terribly but there is comfort there that transcends all understanding and Paul's family has developed a great closeness over this past year. It is a unique gift that comes with the loss of a family member and if you have experienced it, you know what I mean.
My faith was sufficiently tried....
When I was growing up I grew closer to God through my trials but at times this last year I seemed to shy away because I felt so overwhelmed. It wasn't that I lost my faith in God but that I lost faith in myself. I felt God's love for me everyday and I never once doubted he was there pulling me through. I felt His love through the love of so many. There were many tender mercies along the way. I knew His plan was great and perfect, but some days I was unsure of my own strength and pleaded daily that he would enable me to endure his will, whatever it may be.
Now looking back I feel like He spoiled me with a grand miracle and I cannot deny it was a miracle all in His doing. Those first few days after Paul's transplant were a high I cannot describe. When you plan for the absolute worst and you get the best...there are no words to describe the overwhelming joy.And God did enable me....with His love and the tender love of the Savior, I made it through this year without shrinking back and giving up!!!
And I gained so much along the way.
Image: Jesus teaching the woman at the well
So 2009....definitely was one of our most memorable.
And however many more years God grants me to love Paul here on this earth, I will cherish. I will do my best to live in the moment and make the most of our time together. I hope to live up to God's great miraculous gift to us. To give and be as He would desire me to be. I am even more indebted to Him.
