A Tragedy and Organ Donor Funeral

Ryan and Kelly Pack were driving home on Christmas Eve just minutes after leaving a family Christmas party with their two sons Finn (3 years) and Colum (18 months) when an SUV jumped the median and hit their car in a head-on collision. Ryan, Kelly and Colum were critically injured.

On Christmas Day, Colum passed away.

Through organ donation, Colum's heart continues to beat today. It was put into another child.

Earlier today, a private funeral service was held at the hospital. Both parents, still in hospital beds recovering from their critical injuries, were wheeled into the Chapel by nurses. Side by side they were able to look upon their beautiful blonde haired son, Colum, as his fragile body lay in a small coffin. Surrounded by family and friends, this was a painful scene of heavy grief.

A close family friend invited me to share some words of comfort and play "Gracie's Theme," a song I wrote for another family dealing with losing their child. Speaking was not something I looked forward to doing. I knew this couple was not interested in a religious farewell. I have witnessed a lot of preaching to those left behind by individuals who don't truly understand the pain of losing a child, although it is with pure intent. Often it has the opposite effect and hearts become more frustrated and angry at God. When the young and innocent die there are very few words that can comfort the soul, but music can be one of the best source of deliverance from pain. Yet, I also find that silence and holding each other seems to be an effective remedy that alleviates a small portion of the pain.

In researching what to say before I shared my song, I stumbled upon some words from those who have walked the same path of loss. Although every soul is different and every situation unique listening to those with experience can help provide a drop of sunlight into a wounded heart.

Here are a few quotes I found to be beneficial.

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

In writing about bereavement, Rollo May, the religious psychologist said that the only way out is ahead and the choice is whether to cringe from it or to affirm it. To be able to continue this lifetime journey and to make it manageable and productive, bereaved parents must move ahead and affirm this loss while also affirming their own lives.

Eventually, time will cease to stand still for these parents. Painful and terrible moments will still occur-striking, poignant, but in some ways comforting, reminders of the child who died. There will also be regrets for experiences that were never shared. But at some unknown and even unexpected point, these parents will come to realize that there can be good moments, even happy and beautiful moments, and it will not seem impossible or wrong to smile or laugh, but it will seem right and beautiful and a fitting way to honor and remember the child who died. One day, bereaved parents may come to be "surprised by joy" (Moffat 1992, xxvii).

But in time... nature takes care of it; the waves of pain lose intensity a little and come less frequently. Then friends and relatives say the parents are getting over it, and that time heals all wounds. The parents themselves say that as the pain lessens, they begin to have energy for people and things outside themselves...This is a decision parents say [they] must make to live as well as they can in [their] new world... They can come to be happy, but never as happy. Their perspective on this and everything has changed. Their child's death is the reason for this and is a measure of the depth and breadth of the bond between parent and child. - FINKBEINER 1996,12, 20, 22, 23 http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

For me personally, I take great comfort in my faith my Mormon faith, Joseph Smith. During his lifetime, he and his wife Emma lost numerous children. He said this on the subject:

“… I know that my testimony is true; hence, when I talk to these mourners, what have they lost? Their relatives and friends are only separated from their bodies for a short season: their spirits which existed with God have left the tabernacle of clay only for a little moment, as it were; and they now exist in a place where they converse together the same as we do on the earth. …

“I have a father, brothers, children, and friends who have gone to a world of spirits. They are only absent for a moment. They are in the spirit, and we shall soon meet again. The time will soon arrive when the trumpet shall sound. When we depart, we shall hail our mothers, fathers, friends, and all whom we love, who have fallen asleep in Jesus.



“More painful to me are the thoughts of annihilation than death. If I have no expectation of seeing my father, mother, brothers, sisters and friends again, my heart would burst in a moment, and I should go down to my grave. The expectation of seeing my friends in the morning of the resurrection cheers my soul and makes me bear up against the evils of life. It is like their taking a long journey, and on their return we meet them with increased joy. …

“We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …

“… The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”

“A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”6

“Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory—the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”

President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …

"Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God." - Jesus

You can help this family by visiting their website and offering a donation
http://www.kellypack.com