Optimist Cancer Survivor Lacey Furner

This past weekend I met cancer survivor Lacey Furner. She's an optimist and has a great attitude. She e-mailed me her inspiring story. She agreed to let me post it here. I appreciate her gratitude to God for her experience and for what she has learned. She is proof that suffering is not always a horrible experience because of what it can do in helping us grow spiritually.

"Dear Paul,

This is Lacey Furner. I am so grateful I had the opportunity to meet you Monday night (01/23/2012).

I was the person who told you that your song "Letting Go", helped me during my experience with cancer. This song helped me to be at peace, to know that its OK to give it all to the Lord, for He is the only one that knows everything. My life was in God's Hands and I knew I could not control whether I would live or die.

In July, 2010, I was attending my first semester at BYU-Idaho, when I noticed a mole/skin lesion on my left clavicle. I went to the doctor to get it removed and a week later he called to inform me that I had been diagnosed with a serious type of skin cancer.

July 22, 2012 was my first day of chemo therapy, just one week after I had received the results.

I struggled with cancer for one year and I was on oxygen for half of it. So I pretty much got tons of sympathy dates from guys, which was way cool!

Going through chemo opened my eyes to so many things. I was able to see how many people truly loved and cared for me. I was able to grow closer to the Lord. The veil between life and death was very thin for me. God taught me patience, (when the nurses could not get the I.V. in the FIRST time, or when the hospital food looked like it would give you cancer, or having an oxygen tube on your face 24/7), He always helped me to be patient.

The most important thing that I learned is to love everyone, for all of us are God's children and we are all in this together.

Mr. Cardall your music was the soundtrack to my life for a long time. "Letting Go" helped me fall asleep every night when I was deeply discouraged. It made me feel so warm, and it helped me to give my worry and discouragement to the Lord. It helped me to trust in Him.

Thank you,

Lacey Furner

Children's Understanding of Death

Children's understanding of Death is provided by Hospice of Southeastern Connecticut Bereavement Program. This chart is meant to be used as a guideline and not a checklist. All children develop at different rates and it is important to remember that the parents know their own child the best. I've added a few thoughts of my own at the bottom.

Newborn to Three Years
Child's Perception: Infant/Toddler can sense when there is excitement, sadness, anxiety in the home; can sense when a significant person is missing, presence of new people

• No understanding of death
• Absorbs emotions of others around her/him
• May show signs of irritability
• May exhibit changes in eating, nursing patterns, crying, and in bowel and bladder movements
• Depends on nonverbal communications; physical care, affection, reassurances

Providing Support:

• Keep normal routines and structure whenever possible
• Be verbally and physically affectionate and reassuring
• Provide warm, loving caretaker when parent is not available
• Exhibiting healthy coping behaviors

Three to Six Years
Child's Perception: Child thinks death is reversible; temporary, like going to sleep or when a parent goes to work; believes that people who die will come back.

• "Magical thinking"; believes their thoughts, actions, word caused the death; or can bring deceased back; death is punishment for bad behavior
• Still greatly impacted by parent's emotional state
• Has difficulty handling abstract concepts such as heaven
• Regressive behaviors; bed wetting, security blanket, thumb sucking, etc.
• Difficulty verbalizing therefore acts out feelings
• Increased aggression - more irritable, aggressive play
• Will ask the same questions repeatedly in efforts to begin making sense of loss
• Only capable of showing sadness for short periods of time
• Escapes into play
• Somatic symptoms
• Hungers for affection and physical contact, even from strangers
• Connects events that don't belong connected
• May exhibit little anxiety due to belief that deceased is coming back

Providing Support:

• Keep normal routines and structure whenever possible
• Provide opportunities to play, draw
• Read books on death & loss with child
• Help to verbalize feelings and fears
• Help to identify feelings and reactions
• Be honest and tell a child if you do not have an answer
• Explain in specific, concrete language - not euphemisms; explain what has happened giving specific explanations about physical reality of death
• Gently confront magical thinking
• Make sure child does not feel responsible for the death
• Be tolerant of regressive behaviors
• Modeling healthy coping behaviors
• Avoid clichés; "At least you have another brother", "You can always get a new pet"
• Use specific, concrete words - not euphemisms; Avoid "Mommy has gone to sleep", "God has taken Grandpa"

Six to Nine Years
Child's Perception: Child begins to understand the finality of death; some do and some may not.

• Sees death as a taker or spirit that comes and gets you
• Fear that death is contagious and other loved ones will "catch it" and die too
• Fascinated with issues of mutilation; very curious about what body looks like
• Connects death with violence and may ask, "who killed him?"
• 3 categories of people. who die: Elderly, handicapped, klutzes
• Asks concrete questions
• Guilt - blames self for death
• May worry how the deceased can eat, breathe, etc.
• Continues to have difficulty expressing feelings verbally
• Increased aggression
• Defends against feeling helpless
• Somatic symptoms
• School phobia (especially if single parent)
• Continues to have difficulty comprehending abstractions such as heaven, spirituality

Providing Support:

• Talk with child
• Ask questions
• Make sure child' does not feel responsible in any way
• Identify specific fears
• Provide opportunity for play, drawing, art
• Normalize feelings & fears
• Address distortions & perceptions
• Be honest and tell a child if you do not have an answer
• Help to cope with impulse control
• Help them share bad dreams
• Help them with positive memories of the deceased
• Model healthy coping behaviors
• Avoid clichés; "Don't worry, things will be O.K.", "You're such a strong boy/girl"
• Use specific, concrete words - not euphemisms; Avoid "Grandma went to sleep and is now in heaven", "Grandma was very sick and the sickness made her die"

Nine to Thirteen Years
Child's Perception: Child's understanding is nearer to adult understanding of death; more aware of finality of death and impact the death has on them

• Concerned with how their world will change; with the loss of the relationship, " Who will go with me to the father-daughter banquet?"
• Questions have stopped
• Fragile independence
• Reluctant to open up
• Delayed reactions - at first seems as if nothing has happened, then grief reaction May show strong degree of affect
• Beginning to develop an interest in rituals (spiritual affects of life)
• Disrupted relationships with peers
• Increased anger, guilt
• Somatic symptoms
• School phobia
• Self conscious about their fears (of own death, remaining parents)

Providing Support:

• Encourage discussion of their concerns
• Provide & encourage expressive experiences such as writing or drawing
• Address impulse toward acting out and allow opportunity to identify their feelings
• Allow for regressive behaviors
• Be honest and tell a child when you do not have an answer
• Gently relieve child from attempts to take over adult responsibilities
• Model healthy coping behaviors
• Avoid clichés; Avoid "You must be strong so I don't have to worry about you", "Big boy's don't cry"

Thirteen to Eighteen Years
Adolescent's Perception: Adolescent has adult understanding about death

• Death is viewed as an interruption. Death is an enemy
• Bodily changes emphasize growth and life. Death is a contrast
• Increased vulnerability due to many other changes and losses simultaneously occurring
• A sense of future becomes part of their psychology
• Increased risk taking in effort to reduce anxiety or to defy fate
• May intellectualize or romanticize death
• May act indifferent to death of someone close as a protection against feelings
• May show full range of affect or almost no affect
• Wants to grieve with her/his peers not adults
• May need permission to grieve
• Suicidal thoughts
• Represses sadness, feels anger, depression
• Escapes; drives fast, uses drugs or alcohol sexually acts out
• Denial - tries not to think about it, doesn't want to talk about it
• Difficulty with long term plans
• Somatic symptoms
• Questions religious/spiritual beliefs

Providing Support:

• Don't assume they can handle themselves and their problems without help, support
• Be available, but don't push
• Help them find peers who will support their feelings
• Or find other trusted adults
• Give permission for regression
• Be honest and say when you do not have an answer
• Assist in relieving adolescent of burden of adult responsibilities
• Help impulse control toward reckless behavior
• De-romanticize death
• Discuss feelings of helplessness
• Model healthy coping behaviors
• Avoid clichés; "You've got to be strong to help your mother"; "You seem to be taking this so well", "Now you're the man of the house."

Overall, I believe it is important to assure your child and those you love, that you believe in God and that He loves us. For me, knowing that God has a specific plan and divine design for each of His children is comforting. Knowing that when we die our spirits separate from our bodies and go to a realm of peace surrounded by those who went before like grandparents, is comforting. Scriptures teach God's plan of happiness and provides those who grieve an eternal perspective.

If you do not have a particular faith in God, I invite you to learn more about my beliefs at my blog http://thedoctrineofchrist.blogspot.com/

A Tragedy and Organ Donor Funeral

Ryan and Kelly Pack were driving home on Christmas Eve just minutes after leaving a family Christmas party with their two sons Finn (3 years) and Colum (18 months) when an SUV jumped the median and hit their car in a head-on collision. Ryan, Kelly and Colum were critically injured.

On Christmas Day, Colum passed away.

Through organ donation, Colum's heart continues to beat today. It was put into another child.

Earlier today, a private funeral service was held at the hospital. Both parents, still in hospital beds recovering from their critical injuries, were wheeled into the Chapel by nurses. Side by side they were able to look upon their beautiful blonde haired son, Colum, as his fragile body lay in a small coffin. Surrounded by family and friends, this was a painful scene of heavy grief.

A close family friend invited me to share some words of comfort and play "Gracie's Theme," a song I wrote for another family dealing with losing their child. Speaking was not something I looked forward to doing. I knew this couple was not interested in a religious farewell. I have witnessed a lot of preaching to those left behind by individuals who don't truly understand the pain of losing a child, although it is with pure intent. Often it has the opposite effect and hearts become more frustrated and angry at God. When the young and innocent die there are very few words that can comfort the soul, but music can be one of the best source of deliverance from pain. Yet, I also find that silence and holding each other seems to be an effective remedy that alleviates a small portion of the pain.

In researching what to say before I shared my song, I stumbled upon some words from those who have walked the same path of loss. Although every soul is different and every situation unique listening to those with experience can help provide a drop of sunlight into a wounded heart.

Here are a few quotes I found to be beneficial.

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

In writing about bereavement, Rollo May, the religious psychologist said that the only way out is ahead and the choice is whether to cringe from it or to affirm it. To be able to continue this lifetime journey and to make it manageable and productive, bereaved parents must move ahead and affirm this loss while also affirming their own lives.

Eventually, time will cease to stand still for these parents. Painful and terrible moments will still occur-striking, poignant, but in some ways comforting, reminders of the child who died. There will also be regrets for experiences that were never shared. But at some unknown and even unexpected point, these parents will come to realize that there can be good moments, even happy and beautiful moments, and it will not seem impossible or wrong to smile or laugh, but it will seem right and beautiful and a fitting way to honor and remember the child who died. One day, bereaved parents may come to be "surprised by joy" (Moffat 1992, xxvii).

But in time... nature takes care of it; the waves of pain lose intensity a little and come less frequently. Then friends and relatives say the parents are getting over it, and that time heals all wounds. The parents themselves say that as the pain lessens, they begin to have energy for people and things outside themselves...This is a decision parents say [they] must make to live as well as they can in [their] new world... They can come to be happy, but never as happy. Their perspective on this and everything has changed. Their child's death is the reason for this and is a measure of the depth and breadth of the bond between parent and child. - FINKBEINER 1996,12, 20, 22, 23 http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

For me personally, I take great comfort in my faith my Mormon faith, Joseph Smith. During his lifetime, he and his wife Emma lost numerous children. He said this on the subject:

“… I know that my testimony is true; hence, when I talk to these mourners, what have they lost? Their relatives and friends are only separated from their bodies for a short season: their spirits which existed with God have left the tabernacle of clay only for a little moment, as it were; and they now exist in a place where they converse together the same as we do on the earth. …

“I have a father, brothers, children, and friends who have gone to a world of spirits. They are only absent for a moment. They are in the spirit, and we shall soon meet again. The time will soon arrive when the trumpet shall sound. When we depart, we shall hail our mothers, fathers, friends, and all whom we love, who have fallen asleep in Jesus.



“More painful to me are the thoughts of annihilation than death. If I have no expectation of seeing my father, mother, brothers, sisters and friends again, my heart would burst in a moment, and I should go down to my grave. The expectation of seeing my friends in the morning of the resurrection cheers my soul and makes me bear up against the evils of life. It is like their taking a long journey, and on their return we meet them with increased joy. …

“We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …

“… The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”

“A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”6

“Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory—the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”

President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …

"Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God." - Jesus

You can help this family by visiting their website and offering a donation
http://www.kellypack.com