Finding Comfort beyond the Grave

My heart transplant and the fact that I survived Congenital Heart Disease has opened my view into pandora's box filled with countless number of parents who continue to endure life with empty arms.

Death, the enemy of life, comes to all. The old, the young, the innocent, the guilty, each of us will walk that path. The difficult part, for me, is watching people fight illness, especially children.

This morning, according to the Deseret News, "The McDonald family, who expected to spend the week celebrating the life of their daughter Mia on the trip granted her by the Make-A-Wish Foundation, found themselves instead in a hospital room in Tampa, Florida."

Mia just before her biopsy10/03/2012

"Just hours after arriving in Florida, 4-year-old Mia got sick — her body rejected the transplanted heart she received when she was just 4 months old. During a biopsy, she went into cardiac arrest. Mia suffered brain damage and has been on life support since. The family has removed her from life support today."

I had the privilege to meet this beautiful family a while ago. I've been invited to play my music at the funeral on Saturday. I'm always humbled and honored at the opportunity to help send off the pure & meek through the medium of music.

With each death that occurs, many find comfort knowing there is life after death. From experience, I know this is true. There is life beyond the grave.

However, the separation of a mother and father from their child is tough love that God puts us through.

Life is not easy. In fact, it's really painful. There's a popular Mormon phrase, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." I'd rather my people say, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be hard, but if you endure it well, you will understand what it means to truly know joy, and understand how to experience, share, and live in the next world where I am."

There are those in the world who have no faith or relationship with God because they allow tragedy to harden their hearts or rebel from goodness to dull the pain. We want to numb our feelings. Even the great philosophers of Christianity like C.S. Lewis said in his book Grief Observed, after losing the love of his life to cancer, "Why is it that when I approach him at the door it seems as though he slams the door in my face." Some of us begin to philosophies that if God does exist, he simply doen't not care about me. Some wonder, "if he has favorites and are we just little chess pieces like portrayed in greek mythology?"

When we feel like the door is slammed in our face - we have to keep knocking. Pound on that door. Be persistent. Yet, be humble and submissive, willing to listen. We have to be submissive enough to continue to inquire of the Lord, especially when things are going well in our lives.

I know in my newly transplant heart just as I did in the one that died, that God is our loving Heavenly Father, the creator who organized the universe and is omniscient. Never quit on Him. He is not an umpire looking for failure. He is more like the Father in the stands cheering us on. He is teaching us compassion, faith, hope, and eternal principles of love that we'll take with us into the next life.

Most of us can agree that humans have primitive understanding of reality and truth, especially with our massive telescopes and knowledge of the sciences. If I can call a friend from a device that sends a message directly to space and some satellite sends it back to my friend on their device at that very moment, how can we doubt the ability to communicate with God, who is our friend and Father.

I am sad, frustrated, and discouraged when someone I love passes on into the next world, even though I believe they are surrounded by loved ones who have gone beyond. Belief in God gives us hope beyond this mortal world. It's not a bad way to live.

Overall, there is a parable that explains life in simple parable by Bruce R. McConkie. I hope it helps.

Imagine A man walking along the road happens to fall into a pit so deep and dark that he cannot climb to the surface and regain his freedom. How can he save himself from his predicament? Not by any exertions on his part, for there is no means of escape in the pit. He calls for help and some kindly disposed soul, hearing his cries for relief, hastens to his assistance and by lowering a ladder, gives to him the means by which he may climb again to the surface of the earth.

This was precisely the condition that Adam placed himself and his posterity in, when he partook of the forbidden fruit. All being together in the pit, none could gain the surface and relieve the others. The pit was banishment from the presence of the Lord and temporal death, the dissolution of the body. And all being subject to death, none could provide the means of escape.

Therefore, in his infinite mercy, the Father heard the cries of his children and sent his Only Begotten Son, who was not subject to death nor to sin, to provide the means of escape. This he did through his infinite atonement and the everlasting gospel (Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R. McConkie, 3 vols. [1954–56], 1:126–27).

Here is Mia and her family. If you would like to help offset some of the costs associated with this sad new please visit: http://www.giveforward.com/achangeofheart

China was an Epic Experience!

Come to China with me next year!
March 14-27, 2013

Touring China is an epic experience that will change you and how you see the world.

In addition to visiting the beautiful ancient historical sites me and the very best native Chinese guides will take you into the heart of China's Guilin Li River with it's picturesque mountainside and the Yangshuo's Rice Terraces. One night you'll hike up through the Yao Village, one of the many ethnic groups in China, to stay in one of the most beautiful resorts overlooking the landscape.

Explore the Great Wall, Terracotta Warriors, Great Wall, Olympic Village, Temple of Heaven, Sacred Path, Parks, Markets, Silk - Jade - Pearl Factories, and much much more. This is truly a mental journey that makes you appreciate life and all it's beauty. You should be in somewhat good health for this experience of a lifetime.

Hotels are top notch with healthy food everywhere.

Call today and make your reservation.
1- 801-917-1131 or visit http://alanmckaytours.com/asia/march-2013-china/

Invest in a spiritual journey full of memories that will change your life.
Beijing Only Tour with Airfare from Los Angeles: $1364
(includes tour and air for $899 & taxes for $465)
Fly from JFK Airport: $100 more
Xi’an Add-On – Double/Triple Occupancy - $499
Shanghai & Guilin Add-On – Double/Triple Occupancy - $699
Call For Single Occupancy Pricing
Children 11 and under – $100 off per person
Chinese Visa - $185
Credit Card Fee – 3.5% (only applies to final payment-pay by check to avoid it)
Deposit Required for Reservation - $1200

Sponsored and Organized by Alan McKay & Dick Jensen Tours, with more than 25 years of experience, these are extremely affordable for what you are able to do.

Time and Oklahoma City

Some pianists compose a beautiful sunset with each key on the piano like a painter with each stroke of the brush. Others force their gift by working to meet a deadline that keeps bills paid. For me, the song that is a defining moment in an artist’s career usually happens in an odd moment, and often while noodling (improvisation). I found this to be true for my composition titled, Time, from Miracles – A Journey of Hope &; Healing (2001) and later put on Sacred Piano (2009).

Time happened while I was on a tour with author Richard Paul Evans who had commissioned me to create a soundtrack to his #1 New York Times best-selling book "The Christmas Box.” I came home for a few days and sat at any piano. I was noodling around with a little circus tune that made me smile. It had a melody that imitated the ticking of a clock. As I played this unheard melody that was coming through me, I realized that although at first I found it quite humorous it reminded me of time and that it was a haunting to those who sit and watch clocks. It reminded me that time seems to stand still in our youth and as adults time moves too quickly. This thought, of course, came to me while also reading Richard Evans pre-published work called Timepiece.

Terrorist attack (1995) Oklahoma City

One morning on tour, I was watching a memorial ceremony on NBC Today Show about the Oklahoma Federal Building Bombing that took place 5 years earlier on April 19, 1995. It was two minutes after nine when a 5,000-pound bomb, hidden inside a Ryder truck, exploded just outside the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City. The explosion caused massive damage to the building and killed 168 people, 19 of whom were children. Those responsible for what became known as the Oklahoma City Bombing were homegrown terrorists, Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols.

I remember the devastation and now here America was, on the 5th anniversary dedicating the outdoor symbolic memorial. After a few short sermons and prayer, families of the deceased walked to various sculptured “empty chairs” and placed flowers on the ground next to them. It was then that I heard my compositions from my “The Christmas Box” album being played at the memorial. I was in shock and grateful for the gift of music.

Miracles (2001)

We later learned the organizers responsible for the dedication said families specifically requested that particular album be played through the sound system. Humbled by the grief and choice of music, I wanted to respond to with new music, hopefully to heal my own broken heart and possibly others.

I began composing songs and playing new ones. I asked my brother in law and music mentor Ryan Stewart to help orchestrate the album. After playing a lot of different tunes I had composed, I laughed about the circus tune that reminded me of clocks. He said, “Play that.” I replied that I thought it was a little goofy and didn’t’ know what to do with it. While playing the piece that Ryan got excited and thought it was brilliant. He began to be filled with ideas. Together we came up with a piece of art that somehow conveys the emotions associated with the haunting feeling of life and how quickly it moves along and yet we hope to maintain a sense of longing for time to stand still. It was beautiful to us.

While finishing the album, my distribution team and I decided on the day when the album would officially be released and available in store. Ironically, that day was Tuesday, September 11, 2001. Obviously, the excitement about the album faded as time stood still in that period of American history.

Listen to TIME on paulcardall.com or Itunes

Optimist Cancer Survivor Lacey Furner

This past weekend I met cancer survivor Lacey Furner. She's an optimist and has a great attitude. She e-mailed me her inspiring story. She agreed to let me post it here. I appreciate her gratitude to God for her experience and for what she has learned. She is proof that suffering is not always a horrible experience because of what it can do in helping us grow spiritually.

"Dear Paul,

This is Lacey Furner. I am so grateful I had the opportunity to meet you Monday night (01/23/2012).

I was the person who told you that your song "Letting Go", helped me during my experience with cancer. This song helped me to be at peace, to know that its OK to give it all to the Lord, for He is the only one that knows everything. My life was in God's Hands and I knew I could not control whether I would live or die.

In July, 2010, I was attending my first semester at BYU-Idaho, when I noticed a mole/skin lesion on my left clavicle. I went to the doctor to get it removed and a week later he called to inform me that I had been diagnosed with a serious type of skin cancer.

July 22, 2012 was my first day of chemo therapy, just one week after I had received the results.

I struggled with cancer for one year and I was on oxygen for half of it. So I pretty much got tons of sympathy dates from guys, which was way cool!

Going through chemo opened my eyes to so many things. I was able to see how many people truly loved and cared for me. I was able to grow closer to the Lord. The veil between life and death was very thin for me. God taught me patience, (when the nurses could not get the I.V. in the FIRST time, or when the hospital food looked like it would give you cancer, or having an oxygen tube on your face 24/7), He always helped me to be patient.

The most important thing that I learned is to love everyone, for all of us are God's children and we are all in this together.

Mr. Cardall your music was the soundtrack to my life for a long time. "Letting Go" helped me fall asleep every night when I was deeply discouraged. It made me feel so warm, and it helped me to give my worry and discouragement to the Lord. It helped me to trust in Him.

Thank you,

Lacey Furner

Children's Understanding of Death

Children's understanding of Death is provided by Hospice of Southeastern Connecticut Bereavement Program. This chart is meant to be used as a guideline and not a checklist. All children develop at different rates and it is important to remember that the parents know their own child the best. I've added a few thoughts of my own at the bottom.

Newborn to Three Years
Child's Perception: Infant/Toddler can sense when there is excitement, sadness, anxiety in the home; can sense when a significant person is missing, presence of new people

• No understanding of death
• Absorbs emotions of others around her/him
• May show signs of irritability
• May exhibit changes in eating, nursing patterns, crying, and in bowel and bladder movements
• Depends on nonverbal communications; physical care, affection, reassurances

Providing Support:

• Keep normal routines and structure whenever possible
• Be verbally and physically affectionate and reassuring
• Provide warm, loving caretaker when parent is not available
• Exhibiting healthy coping behaviors

Three to Six Years
Child's Perception: Child thinks death is reversible; temporary, like going to sleep or when a parent goes to work; believes that people who die will come back.

• "Magical thinking"; believes their thoughts, actions, word caused the death; or can bring deceased back; death is punishment for bad behavior
• Still greatly impacted by parent's emotional state
• Has difficulty handling abstract concepts such as heaven
• Regressive behaviors; bed wetting, security blanket, thumb sucking, etc.
• Difficulty verbalizing therefore acts out feelings
• Increased aggression - more irritable, aggressive play
• Will ask the same questions repeatedly in efforts to begin making sense of loss
• Only capable of showing sadness for short periods of time
• Escapes into play
• Somatic symptoms
• Hungers for affection and physical contact, even from strangers
• Connects events that don't belong connected
• May exhibit little anxiety due to belief that deceased is coming back

Providing Support:

• Keep normal routines and structure whenever possible
• Provide opportunities to play, draw
• Read books on death & loss with child
• Help to verbalize feelings and fears
• Help to identify feelings and reactions
• Be honest and tell a child if you do not have an answer
• Explain in specific, concrete language - not euphemisms; explain what has happened giving specific explanations about physical reality of death
• Gently confront magical thinking
• Make sure child does not feel responsible for the death
• Be tolerant of regressive behaviors
• Modeling healthy coping behaviors
• Avoid clichés; "At least you have another brother", "You can always get a new pet"
• Use specific, concrete words - not euphemisms; Avoid "Mommy has gone to sleep", "God has taken Grandpa"

Six to Nine Years
Child's Perception: Child begins to understand the finality of death; some do and some may not.

• Sees death as a taker or spirit that comes and gets you
• Fear that death is contagious and other loved ones will "catch it" and die too
• Fascinated with issues of mutilation; very curious about what body looks like
• Connects death with violence and may ask, "who killed him?"
• 3 categories of people. who die: Elderly, handicapped, klutzes
• Asks concrete questions
• Guilt - blames self for death
• May worry how the deceased can eat, breathe, etc.
• Continues to have difficulty expressing feelings verbally
• Increased aggression
• Defends against feeling helpless
• Somatic symptoms
• School phobia (especially if single parent)
• Continues to have difficulty comprehending abstractions such as heaven, spirituality

Providing Support:

• Talk with child
• Ask questions
• Make sure child' does not feel responsible in any way
• Identify specific fears
• Provide opportunity for play, drawing, art
• Normalize feelings & fears
• Address distortions & perceptions
• Be honest and tell a child if you do not have an answer
• Help to cope with impulse control
• Help them share bad dreams
• Help them with positive memories of the deceased
• Model healthy coping behaviors
• Avoid clichés; "Don't worry, things will be O.K.", "You're such a strong boy/girl"
• Use specific, concrete words - not euphemisms; Avoid "Grandma went to sleep and is now in heaven", "Grandma was very sick and the sickness made her die"

Nine to Thirteen Years
Child's Perception: Child's understanding is nearer to adult understanding of death; more aware of finality of death and impact the death has on them

• Concerned with how their world will change; with the loss of the relationship, " Who will go with me to the father-daughter banquet?"
• Questions have stopped
• Fragile independence
• Reluctant to open up
• Delayed reactions - at first seems as if nothing has happened, then grief reaction May show strong degree of affect
• Beginning to develop an interest in rituals (spiritual affects of life)
• Disrupted relationships with peers
• Increased anger, guilt
• Somatic symptoms
• School phobia
• Self conscious about their fears (of own death, remaining parents)

Providing Support:

• Encourage discussion of their concerns
• Provide & encourage expressive experiences such as writing or drawing
• Address impulse toward acting out and allow opportunity to identify their feelings
• Allow for regressive behaviors
• Be honest and tell a child when you do not have an answer
• Gently relieve child from attempts to take over adult responsibilities
• Model healthy coping behaviors
• Avoid clichés; Avoid "You must be strong so I don't have to worry about you", "Big boy's don't cry"

Thirteen to Eighteen Years
Adolescent's Perception: Adolescent has adult understanding about death

• Death is viewed as an interruption. Death is an enemy
• Bodily changes emphasize growth and life. Death is a contrast
• Increased vulnerability due to many other changes and losses simultaneously occurring
• A sense of future becomes part of their psychology
• Increased risk taking in effort to reduce anxiety or to defy fate
• May intellectualize or romanticize death
• May act indifferent to death of someone close as a protection against feelings
• May show full range of affect or almost no affect
• Wants to grieve with her/his peers not adults
• May need permission to grieve
• Suicidal thoughts
• Represses sadness, feels anger, depression
• Escapes; drives fast, uses drugs or alcohol sexually acts out
• Denial - tries not to think about it, doesn't want to talk about it
• Difficulty with long term plans
• Somatic symptoms
• Questions religious/spiritual beliefs

Providing Support:

• Don't assume they can handle themselves and their problems without help, support
• Be available, but don't push
• Help them find peers who will support their feelings
• Or find other trusted adults
• Give permission for regression
• Be honest and say when you do not have an answer
• Assist in relieving adolescent of burden of adult responsibilities
• Help impulse control toward reckless behavior
• De-romanticize death
• Discuss feelings of helplessness
• Model healthy coping behaviors
• Avoid clichés; "You've got to be strong to help your mother"; "You seem to be taking this so well", "Now you're the man of the house."

Overall, I believe it is important to assure your child and those you love, that you believe in God and that He loves us. For me, knowing that God has a specific plan and divine design for each of His children is comforting. Knowing that when we die our spirits separate from our bodies and go to a realm of peace surrounded by those who went before like grandparents, is comforting. Scriptures teach God's plan of happiness and provides those who grieve an eternal perspective.

If you do not have a particular faith in God, I invite you to learn more about my beliefs at my blog http://thedoctrineofchrist.blogspot.com/

A Tragedy and Organ Donor Funeral

Ryan and Kelly Pack were driving home on Christmas Eve just minutes after leaving a family Christmas party with their two sons Finn (3 years) and Colum (18 months) when an SUV jumped the median and hit their car in a head-on collision. Ryan, Kelly and Colum were critically injured.

On Christmas Day, Colum passed away.

Through organ donation, Colum's heart continues to beat today. It was put into another child.

Earlier today, a private funeral service was held at the hospital. Both parents, still in hospital beds recovering from their critical injuries, were wheeled into the Chapel by nurses. Side by side they were able to look upon their beautiful blonde haired son, Colum, as his fragile body lay in a small coffin. Surrounded by family and friends, this was a painful scene of heavy grief.

A close family friend invited me to share some words of comfort and play "Gracie's Theme," a song I wrote for another family dealing with losing their child. Speaking was not something I looked forward to doing. I knew this couple was not interested in a religious farewell. I have witnessed a lot of preaching to those left behind by individuals who don't truly understand the pain of losing a child, although it is with pure intent. Often it has the opposite effect and hearts become more frustrated and angry at God. When the young and innocent die there are very few words that can comfort the soul, but music can be one of the best source of deliverance from pain. Yet, I also find that silence and holding each other seems to be an effective remedy that alleviates a small portion of the pain.

In researching what to say before I shared my song, I stumbled upon some words from those who have walked the same path of loss. Although every soul is different and every situation unique listening to those with experience can help provide a drop of sunlight into a wounded heart.

Here are a few quotes I found to be beneficial.

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

In writing about bereavement, Rollo May, the religious psychologist said that the only way out is ahead and the choice is whether to cringe from it or to affirm it. To be able to continue this lifetime journey and to make it manageable and productive, bereaved parents must move ahead and affirm this loss while also affirming their own lives.

Eventually, time will cease to stand still for these parents. Painful and terrible moments will still occur-striking, poignant, but in some ways comforting, reminders of the child who died. There will also be regrets for experiences that were never shared. But at some unknown and even unexpected point, these parents will come to realize that there can be good moments, even happy and beautiful moments, and it will not seem impossible or wrong to smile or laugh, but it will seem right and beautiful and a fitting way to honor and remember the child who died. One day, bereaved parents may come to be "surprised by joy" (Moffat 1992, xxvii).

But in time... nature takes care of it; the waves of pain lose intensity a little and come less frequently. Then friends and relatives say the parents are getting over it, and that time heals all wounds. The parents themselves say that as the pain lessens, they begin to have energy for people and things outside themselves...This is a decision parents say [they] must make to live as well as they can in [their] new world... They can come to be happy, but never as happy. Their perspective on this and everything has changed. Their child's death is the reason for this and is a measure of the depth and breadth of the bond between parent and child. - FINKBEINER 1996,12, 20, 22, 23 http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

For me personally, I take great comfort in my faith my Mormon faith, Joseph Smith. During his lifetime, he and his wife Emma lost numerous children. He said this on the subject:

“… I know that my testimony is true; hence, when I talk to these mourners, what have they lost? Their relatives and friends are only separated from their bodies for a short season: their spirits which existed with God have left the tabernacle of clay only for a little moment, as it were; and they now exist in a place where they converse together the same as we do on the earth. …

“I have a father, brothers, children, and friends who have gone to a world of spirits. They are only absent for a moment. They are in the spirit, and we shall soon meet again. The time will soon arrive when the trumpet shall sound. When we depart, we shall hail our mothers, fathers, friends, and all whom we love, who have fallen asleep in Jesus.



“More painful to me are the thoughts of annihilation than death. If I have no expectation of seeing my father, mother, brothers, sisters and friends again, my heart would burst in a moment, and I should go down to my grave. The expectation of seeing my friends in the morning of the resurrection cheers my soul and makes me bear up against the evils of life. It is like their taking a long journey, and on their return we meet them with increased joy. …

“We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …

“… The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”

“A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”6

“Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory—the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”

President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …

"Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God." - Jesus

You can help this family by visiting their website and offering a donation
http://www.kellypack.com